God's Plan

Wow, it has been a LONG time since I have written.  There has also been a lot that has happened in that time.  We had our fourth baby, and he is absolutely amazing.  He is so sweet, funny, loving, and a perfect fit in our family.  That doesn't mean having four kids is easy though.  It has been extremely difficult, actually.  I make 16 full plates of food each day, prepare endless snacks, drive back and forth to school, go to doctor appointments, change diapers, etc.

I swore I would never complain about having to do any of these if I were blessed with children.  However, that did not last. I absolutely love being a mother, but it is hard.  There are plenty of days that I feel like the only thing I accomplished was standing in the kitchen, feeding everyone, cleaning up after them, and everyone survived the day.  I go to bed feeling exhausted and frustrated because I didn't accomplish more. And many times I complain the very next day that these things are not different.

So, when I found that I was pregnant with baby #5, I experienced every emotion possible in a very short amount of time. The most dominant emotions were definitely fear and anxiety though. I had no idea how I could ever be a good mother to 5 very little children when I could barely handle 4!  But, as time went on, my feelings changed as well as my perspective.  It was a dear friend who is wise beyond her years who helped me change my perspective.  

Please watch this short video so I make sense in the rest of this blog :)
http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=eOU0JhkHY3w

Instead of being tormented by the sound of the incessant needs and wants of my children, I chose to fall in love with it.  This is very hard to do, but each day I remind myself of this and find that it really does help.  I also keep in mind how different things were 6 years ago.  Six years ago I was coming home from work to a completely empty and quiet house, praying that it would someday be filled with noise.  I would prefer those sounds to be laughing and singing, but even whining and crying beats silence.

Baby #5 was nowhere in my plan.  I am thankful though, through all of my other life experiences, that I have learned that God's plan is so much better than anything I could ever come up with myself.  So instead of fearing having 5 children, I am so excited to meet our newest little one, knowing that he or she will be exactly what God planned for our family.

I could write pages and pages about this, but there is, once again, crying that I must attend to :)

For those of you who are wondering, how did she ever get so many children, check these out:

http://www.americanadoptions.com/  A link to how our first 2 blessings joined us

http://www.popepaulvi.com/  The doctor who helped us conceive 4 times

Baby #4

My pregnancy was pretty rough.  I had a lot of morning sickness, back pain, migraines, etc.  I had about 2 weeks total that I felt okay and I began to think that I was in over my head.  I could barely handle being pregnant with our fourth, how was it going to be when the baby was born???  

On July 31st, I was 41 weeks pregnant, went to the doctor to find out that I was making no real progress, and set an induction date.  I did not want to be induced, but I was in so much pain (I had such bad back pain that I was on crutches for 5 weeks) that all I could really think about was not being pregnant!  Even though my doctor said I wasn’t making much progress, I was having horrible constant cramping all day long and for the first time ever, called my husband home from work an hour early.  I went to lay down after dinner and still felt horrible.  Right around 8pm though, the contractions started!  Pretty quickly the contractions were every 4 minutes long, so we headed to the hospital.  

The labor and birth ended up being the only easy part of the pregnancy and at 6:16am, our sweet baby boy was born!  It was amazing!  Although he cried initially, he calmed down immediately, and had a sense of peace about him.  To this day, our little Matthew is the sweetest, easiest, happiest baby I have ever seen.  

This little newborn eased my mind in so many ways.  Immediately, I knew I could handle having four kids...and not only handle, but love, nurture, and raise them how I had hoped.  Also, in meeting the kids, he was so calm, which, in turn, gave them a wonderful experience of adding a sibling to the family.  There was no jealousy or fear, just love.  As crazy as my life is, it is exactly how it is supposed to be.

Thanksgiving Announcement

My husband and I would joke around that once we figured out to have one child, the next came along.  Once we figured out how to have two children, our third came along!  It was definitely an adjustment!  Having three kids under three years old meant a lot of activity, noise, and neediness.  All three were in diapers, none could pour a cup of milk, get dressed, brush teeth, or do anything for themselves!  And, even though it should have been fresh in my memory, I had forgotten how little newborns were (in size) and how little they sleep!  For the first three months of Elizabeth’s life, all I did was feed the kids or change diapers.  However, slowly we fell into a pattern and life began to settle down.  At seven months, Elizabeth began sleeping through the night and I finally felt like things were getting back to normal.  Elizabeth was eating more food at this point as well as take a bottle, so I was able to leave for a few hours and not have to worry about having to get back to feed her.  

My body was also getting back to normal.  After 8 months I began to cycle again.  I talked to my doctor in Omaha and he said that if I wanted to get pregnant again, I would have to go on all the hormones again.  Although some fertility problems can correct themselves, I had so many that it was not likely.  Plus, I was still nursing and my cycles were all over the place, so I began to settle into life with three kids.  

We decided to have Thanksgiving at our house with both sides of the family over.  People were coming over around 1, so our family had a few hours together with time to cook and talk.  I made the comment to Brock that I wondered when my periods would be back to normal and he said back to me, “maybe you’re pregnant!”  After everything we went through as well as us having almost no chance of conceiving on our own, it was more of a funny comment than anything.  But, I was on day 35 of my cycle, and I really wanted to have a few drinks for Thanksgiving.  Plus, I had an extra pregnancy test in the bathroom.  The test came back what I like to call, “kind of pregnant.”  The “pregnancy line” was kind of blue.  What’s up with that?  So, I went to the doctor to get an accurate test done.  I got back home about 20 minutes before our guests.  Then, right before we were going to eat, I got the call.  I was pregnant!!!  Although all of our kids were “surprises” this one won “best surprise ever!”  

I told Brock and we decided that since it was the one time both our families are together a year, we needed to tell them.  So, as Brock gave the toast for dinner, he toasted to our families now as well as our growing family.  We really should have gotten it on video.  I’m not sure who gave the most surprised comment or face, but there wasn’t one person in the room who we didn’t completely blindside.  I’m pretty sure though, that Brock and I were the most surprised!  This now meant we would have four kids under 4 ½ years old.  God sure has a sense of humor!  One thing that was for sure was that God had a plan for this little one to be here with us...

Got Me Thinking...

Some of the first comments we got from showing pictures and people coming to see Elizabeth were about how much she looks like Brock.  Of course, I too, was looking for traits that she has of mine, but it made me uncomfortable with how much it was talked about.  As Will and Casey sat in the hospital and at home with visitors, I felt as though they (more Will) were wondering who they looked like.  Will began to ask us who else has brown eyes or curly hair.   It was from strangers too, constantly asking where he got his curly hair from.  I don’t know how to answer either.  Do I say that his curly hair is from his birth father?  That comment would probably confuse Will as well as make the person asking feel like an idiot.  Do I lie and say Will got his curly hair from Brock?  Brock’s fair is curly, but that is not where Will got it from.  I don’t want to lie to anyone, especially in front of my children.  

We, by no means, are hiding his adoption from them, but we don’t want them to feel left out.  It has got to be hard to hear how a sibling looks like a parent each and every day, but they have not gotten comments like that.  So now, as time goes on, and both boys become more and more aware of what comments people make, I am more and more aware and sensitive of those comments.  They are, by no means, harmful, but rather pointless.  And because I am so aware of these comments, I get nervous every time one is said, making the whole situation awkward!  Ahhh!!!

Elizabeth

My pregnancy went fairly smoothly.  There were a few days that I felt queasy, but nothing major.  I did, however, have “weird” things happen throughout the pregnancy.  I had major back problems early on.  Then were the migraines...those sucked.  I had a headache for about 5 weeks straight.  Once I got over that, I got plantar fascaitis.  I would wake up in the middle of the night with horrible cramps in my heels and feet.  This went on for weeks until I finally accepted that I would have to wear my running shoes all of the time.  So, my summer was spent in dresses and running shoes.  Right about the time that the novelty of being pregnant began to wear off, we had our ultrasound.  We decided to find out the gender.  I really wanted to find out because I felt like I needed to mentally prepare for the chaos we may have if we were to have three boys under 3 years old.  We went to the ultrasound and found out that we would be having our first little girl!  We were so excited!  Once the third trimester rolled around, I was feeling great!  I was over all of the aches and pains and was ready to meet my baby!  

On December 12th, I was absolutely determined to have the baby.  I went to the gym that morning and went on the treadmill.  After about 10 minutes of walking I felt so miserable that I had to stop.  No “real” contractions, but felt horrible.  On the way home I began to panic a bit about adding another child to our family.  Do other parents go through this?  I felt guilty that I would be dividing my time again between my children, and it broke my heart!  I decided that I would take the boys to see Santa while I still had time!  My mom came with me and the boys got to see Santa.  We walked around a bit afterwards to kill some time until I felt horrible again.  I had to take a 20 minute break in the Boston Store shoe section before I could make it back to the car.  Once we were home, I put Casey down for a nap and popped in a movie for Will.  I fell asleep immediately on the couch until my water broke!  Woo hoo!  I called Brock at work and told him to come home.  I called the doctor, my parents, and a few friends, letting them know the baby was on her way!  

After about 7 hours of trying to get contractions started, the nurses gave me pitocin.  I immediately had regular (and extremely painful) contractions.  3 hours later, I had an epidural, and a few hours after that our baby was born!  Elizabeth came into the world at 9:45 am.  She was absolutely perfect!  

That day, we got a glimpse of her personality.  She is very sweet for most of the time.  However, when she wants something, she is going to let everyone know until she gets her way.  To this day, she is extremely strong-willed and demands that she gets what she wants.  At the same time, she cuddles and gives out so much love to everyone.  My little girl...

That Always Seem to Happen!

After waiting for my body to recover from the miscarriage, we decided to try to conceive again.  There were a lot of fears to go along with this, but we had gone so far to make it to this point, we wanted to continue to grow our family.  Was it even possible though?  Was the last conception a fluke?  

The next month I was one day late.  I called the nurses at the Pope Paul VI Institute and they told me that I would need to go to a clinic to get a pregnancy test.  I needed to go that day, because it was a Friday and I would need to possibly start progesterone immediately and couldn’t wait over the weekend to find out.  My husband was working from home and so I asked him to watch the boys while I went to get a test.  He told me that he was working so I would have to bring the boys.  I should have known right then that I was pregnant, because my reaction was a bit “extreme.”  I was pissed.  I now had to pack up a 2 year old and a 4 month old, drive a half hour during their nap time, and get my blood drawn.  I packed them into the car, and just to show my husband how mad I was, zoomed out of the garage.  Until I hit the side of the garage with our brand new van.  Crap.  Luckily, he was much more calm about the situation :)

I got my blood drawn with both boys, came back home and waited for the phone call.  A few hours later, I got the call saying that I was pregnant!!!  This time my hormone levels were in the hundreds, not the teens, which was a great sign.  I was absolutely shocked again, that I was pregnant.  Dr. Hilgers was truly amazing...I had conceived twice in the 4 months after I had seen him.  

Dr. Hilgers immediately put me on progesterone shots to make sure that I could maintain the pregnancy.  Oftentimes it is low progesterone that can make someone miscarry, so I had the shots throughout most of my pregnancy.  I also had blood draws every other week to make sure all of my hormone levels were where they should be.  I was so pleased with the care and concern they had for my baby and me.

We were finally “in the clear” and began to tell people that I was pregnant.  I heard a lot of people say, “that always seems to just happen!”  I was confused.  What did so many people think “just happened?”  I know people did not mean to be stereotypical with this statement, but it drove me crazy!  First of all, it was almost as if some people thought that is why we adopted.  Whether we had fertility issues or not, we were going to adopt children.  Also, my multiple surgeries, years of being a “lab rat”, shots, medications, blood draws, etc, is what made it happen, so it didn’t “just happen.”  However, most of the time when I heard this, I would just nod and smile because that is much easier than explaining how it REALLY happened.  And besides, I was pregnant!  Silly comments couldn’t stop me from beaming!!!

Ups and Downs

Once we brought Casey home, we began to adjust as a family of 4.  As with Will, it was quite an adjustment!  Casey was much more fussy, but a much better sleeper, so there were parts that were much more difficult and other parts that seemed easier.  

I also was in full swing of medication from Dr. Hilgers.  My memory has blocked out some of it, I’m sure, but here is what I can remember.  I had to have estrogen shots that I gave to myself through my stomach.  That was every other day???  I also had to take thyroid medication at EXACTLY 7am and 7pm every day.  There were HCG pills I also had to take twice a day, every day.  I had to get my blood drawn weekly to make sure all of my hormone levels were where they should be.  

About 6 weeks after Casey was born, my period was late.  I called Dr. Hilgers’ nurses and they told me to have my blood drawn at a clinic to see if I was pregnant.  I went immediately and found that I was.  The nurses told me that anything above a 5 is considered pregnant, and I was at a 16.  She did however, tell me that I should have my blood drawn the next week as well to make sure my levels were rising (they should double every day).  We were so excited that we immediately told some of our family and close friends.  After years of trying, we finally conceived!!!  We laughed at the thought of having 3 kids under 3, and our youngest 2 being only 10 months apart.  Our prayers have been heard!

The next week I went to get my blood drawn again and found that my levels were still above 5, but were only at 8, when they should have been much higher at this point.  I asked the nurse what this meant and she told me that I had miscarried.   We were devastated.  Although I was only a few weeks pregnant, I had already fallen in love with this child.  I already thought of names, wondered about the gender, pictured my family of 5, and had made this child a huge part of my life.  

Telling people was also extremely hard.  They were heartbroken.  No one knew what to say either, and I found, that there is nothing anyone can say.  Every word seemed so wrong and every look people gave seemed out of pity.  I was angry when people would try to comfort me and angry when people wouldn’t talk about it.  No matter what people did, it was the wrong thing.  

To add to this horrible time, I also had to go through the actual miscarriage process.  Without going into too much detail, I will tell you that it hurt.  Physically, emotionally, spiritually, and mentally.  It seemed so unfair to go through such heartache while physically hurting as well.  

I really debated writing this section, as it is still very emotional and not something I really like to share with others.  However, it is important for people to know for a few reasons.  First, it is a message of hope.  It was so awful to go through, but we endured.  That baby is in heaven and we will someday get to meet a beautiful little angel waiting for us.  Second, for all of the people who have had a miscarriage to know that they are not alone, and yes, it is horrible.  The sorrow and despair one can feel is overwhelming, but again, gets more tolerable (not easy) over time.  And third, for all of you who are the support system for someone who has had a miscarriage...just listen.  No matter what you say or do, it will probably be the “wrong thing” but the person chose you to talk to because they love and trust you.  You can’t fix it, but you can listen.