Casey's Birth

The birth mother’s due date came and went as all of us were nervously waiting.  We got an update saying that if she did not go into labor within a few days that she would be induced.  The induction date was set for November 3rd, so we decided to head up there a day early to get settled into our hotel and be able to be at the hospital bright and early the next day.  

My mother-in-law made the first part of the trip with us so she could watch Will when we were in the hospital.  The agency recommends that you spend as much time as possible in the hospital.  They also suggest that other children come to visit, but not spend a ton of time there, so we are able to fully bond with the new baby.  

We arrived at the hospital at about 7am on November 3rd.  The doctor told us that they were going to first scrape her membranes to see if that would trigger labor.  After a few hours, nothing was happening so they gave her a low dose of medicine (not pitocin) that would help with labor.  Contractions began but were very slow and irregular.   After a full day of trying that, not much was happening, so the doctor decided to let her rest for the night and start pitocin the next day.  

The next morning the doctor gave her pitocin.  She began having pretty strong contractions, but nothing consistent right away.  My husband and I were given a room to stay in where we could get updates and try to relax ourselves.  Every hour or so, one of her friends would come in and let us know what was happening.  As the contractions got stronger, we began to prepare ourselves for the delivery.  The birth mother had told us on a phone conversation weeks earlier that she would like us to be in the room for the birth.  We were very excited, but unbelievably nervous too.  

At around 10pm the contractions were really strong and more consistent.  As we were told it was “go time” her friend came out of the room and asked us if we could go back to our room instead of the delivery room.  I panicked.  Once again, I was convinced that she had changed her mind.  I tried putting myself in her place and could only think of the emotional rollercoaster she was on, and after experiencing pregnancy and about to give birth, I could see how she might change her mind.  I prayed that she do what is truly best for her and the baby, and that is all I could do.  Putting this in God’s hands was the only way to make it through this situation.  

We didn’t hear from anyone for a few hours.  It was absolute torture.  Then, her friend came in and said that the baby’s vitals were starting to fall because of the extremely long labor.  The birth mother was being prepared for a C-section, and NO, she did not change her mind.  Praise the Lord!  We went to wait outside the surgery room, as no one other than the birth mother and doctors were allowed in.  The doctor did, however, ask for a camera and said she would take a lot of pictures for us.  

A few minutes later, we heard a baby cry (an extremely loud cry!).  The nurses brought him out and announced that the baby was totally healthy!  We were so excited, but had no clue if we had another son or a daughter.  The nurse turned again, smiled, and said, “it’s a boy!”

We went to the area where they cleaned him up, weighed and measured him, and we saw our son for the first time.  We still hadn’t settled on a name, but once I saw that he had a ton of blonde hair, I knew we would name him Casey.  (For some reason, I had it in my head that ‘Casey’s’ only had blonde hair).  

Match #2

When Will was about 14 months old, we had decided to fill out our paperwork for our second adoption.  We figured our wait would be longer this time because it was our second adoption, and even though we also decided to see Dr. Hilgers in Omaha, we  wanted to get our adoption paperwork going.  The second time around was a bit easier because we had saved a lot of our information and knew a lot more on things like medical background checks and how long different clearances would take.  We were cleared again by American Adoptions just before we went to Omaha.

After we returned from our second trip to Omaha, I was getting antsy from staying home and resting.  I was in pretty bad shape still but my mom agreed to take Will and me to Babies R’ Us to buy a few things that we needed for Will.  I got a phone call on the way saying we had been matched again!  This match was a bit more “typical” meaning that we were matched with a birthmother who was about 6 months pregnant.  She wanted to talk to us on the phone as well as meet up with us to “make sure” but really liked our profile and was sure she wanted to choose adoption.  

I called my husband at work to talk it over with him and got back to the match specialist at American Adoptions.  Everything seemed to be falling into place again and we accepted the match.  We agreed to talk with the birth mom on the phone in a few days as well as to meet her in a few weeks.  She lived about 8 hours away, so my husband and I drove to meet her on a Sunday.  

We spoke with the match specialist a few more times before the initial phone call to the birth mother.  This was very helpful, as she gave us advice on what to say (and not say)  and gave us some conversation starters.  She also assured us that she would be on the line the entire time in case things went horribly or there was information that should not be disclosed (like last names, income, etc).

It was finally the day to talk with the birthmom.  This was another one of those “awkward moments” that no matter how ready we were, it was still scary and weird.  How do you even start this conversation?  Luckily, I am able to talk to just about everyone I’ve ever met, so after a few uncomfortable minutes, we all fell into a fairly natural conversation.  After about 45 minutes, we wrapped up the conversation and decided to talk again next in two weeks.  

About a month after we were matched, we met up for lunch with the birth mom and her good friend.  This was one of the scariest moments of our whole experience.  Because we were coming from so far away and I am a freak about being on time, we arrived about an hour and a half early.  We hit a few stores that were around the restaurant and then went to the restaurant about 30 minutes early, just in case she was early too.  There was no one there waiting for anyone else, so we waited in the waiting area for about 40 minutes.  By this time we were getting strange looks from the staff and decided to wait outside on a few benches that were there instead.  After another 15 minutes, I decided to call our match specialist to see if she could find out what was happening.  She called the birthmother and not only did she not answer, but she had shut her phone off.  At this point, I completely freaked out.  I was positive she changed her mind about the adoption and did not know how to tell us.  We waited about 20 more minutes and...she showed up!  I had gotten the time mixed up by an hour and then was running late so...scariest wait time imaginable!

We had a very nice lunch and were able to talk quite a bit.  Afterwards we also went to a rose garden nearby to spend a little more time together.  We tried to learn as much as we could about her during this time and I’m sure she was doing the same.  We left feeling so much better about our match and confident that this was the right decision for all of us.  

After a few more phone calls, the due date was finally getting close!  We had the nursery all set up, a lot of new toys, clothes, and diapers, and were ready to have our second child!   

Omaha, Part 2

When I got back home, I had to schedule my next surgery.  I had decided to take a sabbatical from work that next school year, but my insurance switched from mine to my husband’s at the end of August.  I called them and asked to get in as soon as possible.  Dr. Hilgers’ next opening was in September :(  However, we didn’t come this far to let a few thousand dollars in medical costs get in the way, so I booked it.  A few days later, however, we got a call saying that there was a cancellation and he could do the surgery in two days!  Although I wasn’t completely healed from my first surgery, we said that we would be more than happy to make it out there!  Once again, my husband, son, mom, and I packed up in the car and headed to Omaha.  I had to go right to the hospital for my pre-op check up and then we headed back to our beloved hotel.  Early the next morning, my husband and I headed to the hospital.  We spoke with the doctor again about the surgery and then to a few other people who would be involved in the surgery.  The surgery lasted about 3 hours but was a complete success.  Dr. Hilgers talked with my husband about what was done.  He removed all of the endometriosis by using a method that did not cause any future scarring.  This was very different than my last surgery, which eventually caused me more endometriosis than I already had.  Dr. Hilgers also had to basically reconstruct one of my ovaries.  This was a major process and was the majority of the surgery.  

Dr. Hilgers then said that I would need about 10 weeks in order to START to feel better.  I figured that it would take maybe 2 weeks and I would be fine.  However, after the surgery, I began to believe that it might take the full 10 weeks.  Holy smokes...I was on morphine and it barely took away any pain.  I was released from the hospital after 2 nights and could go back to the hotel.  This was a really difficult time.  I was in a tremendous amount of pain and could barely stand up without getting sick.  However, the doctor told me that this was completely normal.  

After a few more days of being monitored, I was allowed to go home.  My mom and I had bought plane tickets to fly home with Will.  Thank goodness.  The car ride to the airport was about as much pain as I could handle.  

Once we were home, I needed full time help with Will for about 2 weeks.  I couldn’t drive, change diapers, or pretty much do anything without help.  It ended up taking the full 10 weeks before I was back to everyday activities without pain.  Working out was a different story...that took me months to get back into.  

The pain was well worth it though.  Dr. Hilgers was right...there was a lot wrong, but he could fix all of it. 

Omaha, Part 1

Omaha, Trip 1

At this point I had had it up to my eyeballs with doctors not finding answers and was very skeptical to see another one.  My husband, however, made a deal with me.  He said that I should give this one last doctor a chance, and after that, we were done with doctors, no matter what.  He was adamant about me seeing Dr. Hilgers, who is the founder of the Creighton Method of natural family planning.  In order to even have him consider treating me, I had to meet with someone locally who would train me in charting my cycles.  After meeting her, she seemed a bit “flighty” but I have found that she is absolutely amazing.  She runs a pregnancy help center, speaks all over the country, and still has time to meet with people to teach them how to properly use Natural Family Planning.  Her heart is truly devoted to helping people, especially the unborn.  She taught me all of the details to the Creighton Method.  I had taken my temperature to evaluate my cycles, but this was very different.  This was much more detailed...not difficult, but detailed.  After about 6 months of charting, my charts were sent in to Dr. Hilgers and he made a few suggestions as to what I should be doing.  He put me on thyroid medication, as he found that I had a hypothyroid.  He also put me on amoxicillin to help around times of ovulation.  Lastly, he suggested that I see him in Omaha for an exploratory surgery as well as ultrasounds and bloodwork to see if I was ovulating properly.  We made an appointment for the end of July to go see him.  Because we were going to be there for a week or two, we asked my mom if she would go with us so we had someone to watch Will while I was at all of my appointments.  

We got to Omaha the night before my surgery and checked into our hotel.  It was such a great place!  It was super cheap and served 3 meals a day, plus beer and wine!  (If anyone ever goes to see Dr. Hilgers, be sure to contact me for this information).  I finally got to actually meet Dr. Hilgers the night before my surgery.  He definitely intrigued me.  

As a soccer player, I always kept an eye on those players who wore bright-colored shoes.  I thought colored shoes were perfectly acceptable if and only if that person was the best player on the field.  Then, they had every reason to stand out.  However, if they weren’t the best player out there, I had every reason to harass them the rest of the game.  Dr. Hilgers wore these so-called bright shoes.  He told me that my “unexplained infertility” was a bunch of hoo ha.  There is no such thing.  He told me “there are, however, crappy doctors and lazy doctors.”  I couldn’t believe he said that!  I thought that those were very strong words to say to someone who had been through years of testing with many other doctors.  What if he couldn’t find anything?  He promised me that he would find what is wrong and give me a definitive answer on whether or not I would be able to have biological children.  He also told me that with all of his patients, he was right 95% of the time.  He also asked my husband what his career was.  After finding out that he is an engineer, Dr. Hilgers explained that he sees a lot of engineers here, because engineers want an answer as to how things work, not a band-aid that temporarily hides a problem.  At this point, all I wanted was an answer.  If biological children were possible, I wanted to get pregnant.  If it was not possible, I wanted to be done being a lab rat.  

I had surgery the next day.  He found that I had more endometriosis, probably caused by my last surgery to remove it.  What a kick in the gut.  The surgery I had previously caused me to have more endometriosis!  He also found that one of my ovaries was completely a mess.  Apparently, ovaries are supposed to more somewhat freely, being able to flip back and forth over and under the fallopian tube.  Mine wouldn’t move at all.  There was also more endometriosis that he was not able to get to in this minor surgery and I would need another, more invasive one.  

I then had to stay in Omaha for ultrasounds daily until I ovulated.  Of course, I ovulated late that month and had to stay in Omaha for 10 days!  The nurse doing the ultrasound told me that everything looked great during ovulation and I was releasing healthy eggs that had a chance for fertilization.  My husband was very excited that this was the “perfect” time to conceive, however, the nurse told him, “Honey, if you’re here, it isn’t a matter of timing.  But, hey!  Go ahead and try anyway!”  That seemed to be just fine with him :)

We made the best of our stay in Omaha.  They have an unbelievable zoo there and some really great restaurants.  Although Omaha was not my vacation destination of choice, it was nice being able to spend a lot of time with my husband, son, and mom.

Bad Advice

Here is some advice that was given to us by friends, family, neighbors, strangers, etc.  I wrote this section to get some laughs, not to offend anyone who has given this advice, which is a lot of you! :)  However, it is also to point out that giving advice can be kind of a tricky thing.  After six years of trying to get pregnant, I wasn’t really looking for advice.  Clearly, there was something majorly wrong that didn’t have a “quick fix” solution.  I do appreciate the concern that people who did give this advice were showing me...I truly do have incredible people in my life.  Also, because I have an audience ranging from family to friends to coworkers to former students to strangers, I have had to keep these PG, which means leaving some pretty entertaining ones off the list!

"Buy a dog"-Ummm...who’s met Marty?  Not good advice... 

"Did you try relaxing?  Just don’t think about it!"-I hate this one...do you really think that in 6 years I wasn’t relaxed one time???  There were PLENTY of times that I wasn’t thinking about it!

"Eat more peanuts"-ironic...I have a kid with a peanut allergy

"Stand on your head"-mood killer

"Do bicycles"-also a mood killer

"Did you know that there are certain times of your cycle that you are more fertile?"-Oh yes, I actually learned that in the video I watched in 5th grade with little orphan Annie!  Good grief, how did you not know that???

"Go on an airplane" (no, not the “mile high” club, just something with ovulation?  I don’t know...it didn’t work).

"No hot tubs or hot showers"-I really missed those

"No lap tops"-very sad for my husband

"No alcohol"-ugh... 

"Lots of alcohol"-not a bad suggestion!  

"Go on vacation"-my favorite advice coupled with the one above

"No tighty whities"-husband, not me 

"Hang out with pregnant people"-easy...EVERYONE I knew was pregnant!

More Doctors

In my first entry, I briefly talked about how I was also seeing a fertility specialist.  After adopting our first son, we decided to see a different doctor.  She was highly recommended in the area and I wanted to see someone who might be able to find something that the other specialist had not seen.  So, I started my testing over.  I had another hysterosalpingogram, which was not nearly as bad.  She also recommended that I have an exploratory surgery.  I had a surgery which found that I had a little bit of endometriosis.  The doctor was able to remove what she had seen as well as get a “kink” out of my fallopian tube.  I was excited to finally have a bit of an explanation.  She told me to “call her in the next 6 months” because she was sure I would be pregnant.  I was ecstatic!  

With each month I became more discouraged.  Thank goodness I had my son to help me through these sad times, but it was still filled with frustration.  After 6 months, I went back to see her and she suggested that I do in vitro.  In all of the testing, we found that ovulating was definitely not the problem, so I wasn’t sure why in vitro was “the answer.”  It didn’t make sense.  However, I wasn’t necessarily thinking clearly either.  This was so difficult.  I had someone telling me that I would have biological children by doing in vitro, even though there were clearly different issues that caused me not to get pregnant.  And, it was a lot of money with no guarantees.  Adoption, however, I knew was perfect for us, and we could put the money towards another adoption.  I also talked with our priest about in vitro and why the Catholic Church did not support in vitro.  It wasn’t until I emailed Cardinal Dolan (at the time, Archbishop Dolan) that I got an answer that satisfied me.  It was such a beautiful explanation, rather than a condemnation.  

It was a hard decision, but we decided that we would not do in vitro.  We would, however, find a doctor who could give us some answers.  We found that doctor in Omaha.

Coming Home

In order to be cleared to come home, we needed to get a call from ICPC telling us it was okay.  We had been in New Jersey for 10 days now, and we were coming up on the weekend, which ICPC does not work.  Then, that next Monday, was President’s Day, which they also don’t work.   We were desperately hoping to hear from them before the weekend.  At about 3pm we got a call letting us know that we were cleared to leave New Jersey, but not yet cleared to enter Wisconsin.  We decided to get a flight as soon as possible and fly to Illinois and stay with my husband’s parents until we were cleared.  We got a flight at 5:30 that night to Chicago.  No problem.  2 ½ hours to make it to LaGuardia Ne and catch our flight.  We literally stuffed everything into suitcases and ran out of the hotel.  We jumped in our car and headed into New York City...on a Friday...in rush hour.  There was absolutely no way we were going to make our flight.  Luckily, as we were going through a tunnel into NYC, we got a call clearing us for Wisconsin.  I was then scrambling to try to change our flight.  I kept losing cell phone connection, so I called my mom to try to get everything changed for me.  We also called a friend that my husband works with to see what she could do.  Will was starving at this point, so as we were on 5th Avenue, trying to change our flights, stuck in traffic, I also had to give him a bottle.  It was a little stressful.  After many phone calls and telling a very nice woman on Midwest Airlines our whole story, we got our flight changed (and to a later time, so we could make it!)  The flight home was uneventful.  Will slept the entire way home.  Arriving at the airport was such an amazing feeling.  It was the first time our son got to meet a family member.  My dad was the one to pick us up.  As I write this, I am getting teary.  I will never forget the look on my dad’s face.  Anyone who knows my dad knows that he tries to be a tough guy, but he is a softy.  He absolutely loves his grandkids.  He had tears in his eyes and the biggest smile on his face.  He couldn’t even speak, he just grabbed Will from me and stared at him.  We got home at about 9pm and were welcomed by my mom, mother-in-law, father-in-law, brother, sister-in-law, and my nephews.  My nephews had made a huge “Welcome Home Will!” sign for him too!  My best friend and her daughter also came over shortly after we got home.  We ate pizza and told everyone what our past ten days entailed.  Although we called each of them multiple times a day, it was great to be able to tell it to them in person!

The next few days and weeks were flooded with family and friends.  I couldn’t believe how amazing everyone was.  We got so many gifts that I had to buy thank you cards just about every day! It was so nice to get to share our happiness with everyone around us.  Our baby boy was already so loved and welcomed into our family and community.