Did You Just Say That?

People have tons of questions about adoption, which in general, I love.  I love sharing our story and I love that people want to hear it.  We talk freely about our experience, as it is part of our beautiful journey.  However, there are some things that people have said (sometimes over and over) and really needs to be thought more carefully about.  Our children are constantly listening, and many of these comments are quite confusing to them.  And unfortunately, mainly the reasoning behind why it was said is that the adult saying it said something stupid.  I feel like this could go on and on, but here are the most frequent ones I hear...

The ABSOLUTE WORST for me is also the one that is said the most..."His parents" or "real parents."  I hate this.  I might not speak to you again if you say this.  Did you actually think about this statement at all?  Have you thought of how confusing that is to my children?  Have you thought of how heartbreaking it is to me?  Are you questioning if I qualify as a parent?  I have literally heard this from probably over 100 people.  I correct each one of them.  Oftentimes they will say it again later in the conversation.  Seriously, don't make this mistake.  It hurts everyone and makes you look like a heartless idiot. 

Equally as offensive for the same reason would be "real brothers."  If you have ever been around Will and Casey, you know it is as real as it gets.  They tell secrets, share rooms, wrestle, beat each other up, play baseball in the backyard, etc.  Are you asking if they would be a good organ donor match though, probably not. 

"How much does it cost?"  This one doesn't totally offend me, but I think it is weird.  Most people are just being nosey.  You probably wouldn't ask how much someone bought their car for, but feel okay asking about the legal fees of adoption?  Strange...                 For those of you asking because you are actually deciding if you would be able to adopt or not, NEVER consider the cost.  The money is there. Be creative.  This is your child.  This is your future.  This is your life. MONEY DOES NOT MATTER EVEN A LITTLE IN THIS. 

"They are so lucky!"  Again, not really offensive.  I know the person saying this is being kind.  However, I don't consider my kids lucky.  Each child deserves a life surrounded with love.  It isn't luck, it is the way it should be.  I do consider us lucky.  There are so many people out there who want kids.  We were blessed with them. 

"So you couldn't get pregnant?"  Adoption was never a second choice.  It was always going to happen for Brock and me.  Infertility played a factor in the timing, but is not the reason we adopted.  I also find it strange that people are so comfortable talking about my fertility.  Luckily I am not shy or very private, but I am guessing this question would make a lot of people who are a bit more quiet pretty uncomfortable. 

Happy Birthmothers' Day

So here is where I am at...I just got home from dropping off my husband for yet another week long business trip to Europe.  I was totally annoyed because Mother’s Day is tomorrow and I will be spending it without my mom (who is in Vegas) and without my husband.  This also means I won’t be getting spoiled on a day to celebrate the hard work that I do every day!  And let me tell you, I work my ass off raising my five kids.  All I wanted was one day where I got a break from diapers, cleaning, cooking, whining, etc.

The more I thought about it though, the more I realized that a break is not what I wanted.  I already have what I wanted, and oftentimes, I take that for granted.  I have my kids.  I have the honor of waking up every morning to five little faces calling me “mom.”  I have a crazy life running them to all of their activities, cooking for them, cleaning up after them, and being so exhausted at the end of each day, that I go to bed right after they go to bed.  

And I almost let myself feel down for the start of this very long week.  I almost made today all about me.  I almost forgot that today we celebrate Birthmothers.  Theresa and Chelsa gave me my oldest two children.  They loved and took care of two beautiful babies for 9 months, knowing that they wanted more for the babies than what they could give.  Their love was so strong that they stood up to the questions of “why” and “how” from people they loved, the agony of loving and letting go, the physical pain of pregnancy and childbirth, the judgements of many people, and the lifelong question of “did they do the right thing.”  

Children are gifts.  This was hard for me to understand.  While struggling with infertility, I was angry because I felt as though children were a right, not a gift.  I wanted children, therefore I should have them.  Slowly, however, this idea shifted.  These birthmothers gave me a gift that I did not deserve, but wanted so badly.  They gave me the children that I could not create for myself.  

And so my gift for Mother’s Day is not going to be breakfast in bed, a relaxing massage, or a nice smelling candle.  It will be waking up early to get everyone fed before church, frantically cleaning up the house trying to prepare for another school week, cooking dinner a few minutes after cleaning up from lunch, getting everyone bathed and off to bed.  And for that, I will be thankful.  Happy Birthmothers' Day!!!

“When life gives you a gift, receive it with all your heart.”

God's Plan

Wow, it has been a LONG time since I have written.  There has also been a lot that has happened in that time.  We had our fourth baby, and he is absolutely amazing.  He is so sweet, funny, loving, and a perfect fit in our family.  That doesn't mean having four kids is easy though.  It has been extremely difficult, actually.  I make 16 full plates of food each day, prepare endless snacks, drive back and forth to school, go to doctor appointments, change diapers, etc.

I swore I would never complain about having to do any of these if I were blessed with children.  However, that did not last. I absolutely love being a mother, but it is hard.  There are plenty of days that I feel like the only thing I accomplished was standing in the kitchen, feeding everyone, cleaning up after them, and everyone survived the day.  I go to bed feeling exhausted and frustrated because I didn't accomplish more. And many times I complain the very next day that these things are not different.

So, when I found that I was pregnant with baby #5, I experienced every emotion possible in a very short amount of time. The most dominant emotions were definitely fear and anxiety though. I had no idea how I could ever be a good mother to 5 very little children when I could barely handle 4!  But, as time went on, my feelings changed as well as my perspective.  It was a dear friend who is wise beyond her years who helped me change my perspective.  

Please watch this short video so I make sense in the rest of this blog :)
http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=eOU0JhkHY3w

Instead of being tormented by the sound of the incessant needs and wants of my children, I chose to fall in love with it.  This is very hard to do, but each day I remind myself of this and find that it really does help.  I also keep in mind how different things were 6 years ago.  Six years ago I was coming home from work to a completely empty and quiet house, praying that it would someday be filled with noise.  I would prefer those sounds to be laughing and singing, but even whining and crying beats silence.

Baby #5 was nowhere in my plan.  I am thankful though, through all of my other life experiences, that I have learned that God's plan is so much better than anything I could ever come up with myself.  So instead of fearing having 5 children, I am so excited to meet our newest little one, knowing that he or she will be exactly what God planned for our family.

I could write pages and pages about this, but there is, once again, crying that I must attend to :)

For those of you who are wondering, how did she ever get so many children, check these out:

http://www.americanadoptions.com/  A link to how our first 2 blessings joined us

http://www.popepaulvi.com/  The doctor who helped us conceive 4 times

Baby #4

My pregnancy was pretty rough.  I had a lot of morning sickness, back pain, migraines, etc.  I had about 2 weeks total that I felt okay and I began to think that I was in over my head.  I could barely handle being pregnant with our fourth, how was it going to be when the baby was born???  

On July 31st, I was 41 weeks pregnant, went to the doctor to find out that I was making no real progress, and set an induction date.  I did not want to be induced, but I was in so much pain (I had such bad back pain that I was on crutches for 5 weeks) that all I could really think about was not being pregnant!  Even though my doctor said I wasn’t making much progress, I was having horrible constant cramping all day long and for the first time ever, called my husband home from work an hour early.  I went to lay down after dinner and still felt horrible.  Right around 8pm though, the contractions started!  Pretty quickly the contractions were every 4 minutes long, so we headed to the hospital.  

The labor and birth ended up being the only easy part of the pregnancy and at 6:16am, our sweet baby boy was born!  It was amazing!  Although he cried initially, he calmed down immediately, and had a sense of peace about him.  To this day, our little Matthew is the sweetest, easiest, happiest baby I have ever seen.  

This little newborn eased my mind in so many ways.  Immediately, I knew I could handle having four kids...and not only handle, but love, nurture, and raise them how I had hoped.  Also, in meeting the kids, he was so calm, which, in turn, gave them a wonderful experience of adding a sibling to the family.  There was no jealousy or fear, just love.  As crazy as my life is, it is exactly how it is supposed to be.

Thanksgiving Announcement

My husband and I would joke around that once we figured out to have one child, the next came along.  Once we figured out how to have two children, our third came along!  It was definitely an adjustment!  Having three kids under three years old meant a lot of activity, noise, and neediness.  All three were in diapers, none could pour a cup of milk, get dressed, brush teeth, or do anything for themselves!  And, even though it should have been fresh in my memory, I had forgotten how little newborns were (in size) and how little they sleep!  For the first three months of Elizabeth’s life, all I did was feed the kids or change diapers.  However, slowly we fell into a pattern and life began to settle down.  At seven months, Elizabeth began sleeping through the night and I finally felt like things were getting back to normal.  Elizabeth was eating more food at this point as well as take a bottle, so I was able to leave for a few hours and not have to worry about having to get back to feed her.  

My body was also getting back to normal.  After 8 months I began to cycle again.  I talked to my doctor in Omaha and he said that if I wanted to get pregnant again, I would have to go on all the hormones again.  Although some fertility problems can correct themselves, I had so many that it was not likely.  Plus, I was still nursing and my cycles were all over the place, so I began to settle into life with three kids.  

We decided to have Thanksgiving at our house with both sides of the family over.  People were coming over around 1, so our family had a few hours together with time to cook and talk.  I made the comment to Brock that I wondered when my periods would be back to normal and he said back to me, “maybe you’re pregnant!”  After everything we went through as well as us having almost no chance of conceiving on our own, it was more of a funny comment than anything.  But, I was on day 35 of my cycle, and I really wanted to have a few drinks for Thanksgiving.  Plus, I had an extra pregnancy test in the bathroom.  The test came back what I like to call, “kind of pregnant.”  The “pregnancy line” was kind of blue.  What’s up with that?  So, I went to the doctor to get an accurate test done.  I got back home about 20 minutes before our guests.  Then, right before we were going to eat, I got the call.  I was pregnant!!!  Although all of our kids were “surprises” this one won “best surprise ever!”  

I told Brock and we decided that since it was the one time both our families are together a year, we needed to tell them.  So, as Brock gave the toast for dinner, he toasted to our families now as well as our growing family.  We really should have gotten it on video.  I’m not sure who gave the most surprised comment or face, but there wasn’t one person in the room who we didn’t completely blindside.  I’m pretty sure though, that Brock and I were the most surprised!  This now meant we would have four kids under 4 ½ years old.  God sure has a sense of humor!  One thing that was for sure was that God had a plan for this little one to be here with us...

Got Me Thinking...

Some of the first comments we got from showing pictures and people coming to see Elizabeth were about how much she looks like Brock.  Of course, I too, was looking for traits that she has of mine, but it made me uncomfortable with how much it was talked about.  As Will and Casey sat in the hospital and at home with visitors, I felt as though they (more Will) were wondering who they looked like.  Will began to ask us who else has brown eyes or curly hair.   It was from strangers too, constantly asking where he got his curly hair from.  I don’t know how to answer either.  Do I say that his curly hair is from his birth father?  That comment would probably confuse Will as well as make the person asking feel like an idiot.  Do I lie and say Will got his curly hair from Brock?  Brock’s fair is curly, but that is not where Will got it from.  I don’t want to lie to anyone, especially in front of my children.  

We, by no means, are hiding his adoption from them, but we don’t want them to feel left out.  It has got to be hard to hear how a sibling looks like a parent each and every day, but they have not gotten comments like that.  So now, as time goes on, and both boys become more and more aware of what comments people make, I am more and more aware and sensitive of those comments.  They are, by no means, harmful, but rather pointless.  And because I am so aware of these comments, I get nervous every time one is said, making the whole situation awkward!  Ahhh!!!

Elizabeth

My pregnancy went fairly smoothly.  There were a few days that I felt queasy, but nothing major.  I did, however, have “weird” things happen throughout the pregnancy.  I had major back problems early on.  Then were the migraines...those sucked.  I had a headache for about 5 weeks straight.  Once I got over that, I got plantar fascaitis.  I would wake up in the middle of the night with horrible cramps in my heels and feet.  This went on for weeks until I finally accepted that I would have to wear my running shoes all of the time.  So, my summer was spent in dresses and running shoes.  Right about the time that the novelty of being pregnant began to wear off, we had our ultrasound.  We decided to find out the gender.  I really wanted to find out because I felt like I needed to mentally prepare for the chaos we may have if we were to have three boys under 3 years old.  We went to the ultrasound and found out that we would be having our first little girl!  We were so excited!  Once the third trimester rolled around, I was feeling great!  I was over all of the aches and pains and was ready to meet my baby!  

On December 12th, I was absolutely determined to have the baby.  I went to the gym that morning and went on the treadmill.  After about 10 minutes of walking I felt so miserable that I had to stop.  No “real” contractions, but felt horrible.  On the way home I began to panic a bit about adding another child to our family.  Do other parents go through this?  I felt guilty that I would be dividing my time again between my children, and it broke my heart!  I decided that I would take the boys to see Santa while I still had time!  My mom came with me and the boys got to see Santa.  We walked around a bit afterwards to kill some time until I felt horrible again.  I had to take a 20 minute break in the Boston Store shoe section before I could make it back to the car.  Once we were home, I put Casey down for a nap and popped in a movie for Will.  I fell asleep immediately on the couch until my water broke!  Woo hoo!  I called Brock at work and told him to come home.  I called the doctor, my parents, and a few friends, letting them know the baby was on her way!  

After about 7 hours of trying to get contractions started, the nurses gave me pitocin.  I immediately had regular (and extremely painful) contractions.  3 hours later, I had an epidural, and a few hours after that our baby was born!  Elizabeth came into the world at 9:45 am.  She was absolutely perfect!  

That day, we got a glimpse of her personality.  She is very sweet for most of the time.  However, when she wants something, she is going to let everyone know until she gets her way.  To this day, she is extremely strong-willed and demands that she gets what she wants.  At the same time, she cuddles and gives out so much love to everyone.  My little girl...

That Always Seem to Happen!

After waiting for my body to recover from the miscarriage, we decided to try to conceive again.  There were a lot of fears to go along with this, but we had gone so far to make it to this point, we wanted to continue to grow our family.  Was it even possible though?  Was the last conception a fluke?  

The next month I was one day late.  I called the nurses at the Pope Paul VI Institute and they told me that I would need to go to a clinic to get a pregnancy test.  I needed to go that day, because it was a Friday and I would need to possibly start progesterone immediately and couldn’t wait over the weekend to find out.  My husband was working from home and so I asked him to watch the boys while I went to get a test.  He told me that he was working so I would have to bring the boys.  I should have known right then that I was pregnant, because my reaction was a bit “extreme.”  I was pissed.  I now had to pack up a 2 year old and a 4 month old, drive a half hour during their nap time, and get my blood drawn.  I packed them into the car, and just to show my husband how mad I was, zoomed out of the garage.  Until I hit the side of the garage with our brand new van.  Crap.  Luckily, he was much more calm about the situation :)

I got my blood drawn with both boys, came back home and waited for the phone call.  A few hours later, I got the call saying that I was pregnant!!!  This time my hormone levels were in the hundreds, not the teens, which was a great sign.  I was absolutely shocked again, that I was pregnant.  Dr. Hilgers was truly amazing...I had conceived twice in the 4 months after I had seen him.  

Dr. Hilgers immediately put me on progesterone shots to make sure that I could maintain the pregnancy.  Oftentimes it is low progesterone that can make someone miscarry, so I had the shots throughout most of my pregnancy.  I also had blood draws every other week to make sure all of my hormone levels were where they should be.  I was so pleased with the care and concern they had for my baby and me.

We were finally “in the clear” and began to tell people that I was pregnant.  I heard a lot of people say, “that always seems to just happen!”  I was confused.  What did so many people think “just happened?”  I know people did not mean to be stereotypical with this statement, but it drove me crazy!  First of all, it was almost as if some people thought that is why we adopted.  Whether we had fertility issues or not, we were going to adopt children.  Also, my multiple surgeries, years of being a “lab rat”, shots, medications, blood draws, etc, is what made it happen, so it didn’t “just happen.”  However, most of the time when I heard this, I would just nod and smile because that is much easier than explaining how it REALLY happened.  And besides, I was pregnant!  Silly comments couldn’t stop me from beaming!!!

Ups and Downs

Once we brought Casey home, we began to adjust as a family of 4.  As with Will, it was quite an adjustment!  Casey was much more fussy, but a much better sleeper, so there were parts that were much more difficult and other parts that seemed easier.  

I also was in full swing of medication from Dr. Hilgers.  My memory has blocked out some of it, I’m sure, but here is what I can remember.  I had to have estrogen shots that I gave to myself through my stomach.  That was every other day???  I also had to take thyroid medication at EXACTLY 7am and 7pm every day.  There were HCG pills I also had to take twice a day, every day.  I had to get my blood drawn weekly to make sure all of my hormone levels were where they should be.  

About 6 weeks after Casey was born, my period was late.  I called Dr. Hilgers’ nurses and they told me to have my blood drawn at a clinic to see if I was pregnant.  I went immediately and found that I was.  The nurses told me that anything above a 5 is considered pregnant, and I was at a 16.  She did however, tell me that I should have my blood drawn the next week as well to make sure my levels were rising (they should double every day).  We were so excited that we immediately told some of our family and close friends.  After years of trying, we finally conceived!!!  We laughed at the thought of having 3 kids under 3, and our youngest 2 being only 10 months apart.  Our prayers have been heard!

The next week I went to get my blood drawn again and found that my levels were still above 5, but were only at 8, when they should have been much higher at this point.  I asked the nurse what this meant and she told me that I had miscarried.   We were devastated.  Although I was only a few weeks pregnant, I had already fallen in love with this child.  I already thought of names, wondered about the gender, pictured my family of 5, and had made this child a huge part of my life.  

Telling people was also extremely hard.  They were heartbroken.  No one knew what to say either, and I found, that there is nothing anyone can say.  Every word seemed so wrong and every look people gave seemed out of pity.  I was angry when people would try to comfort me and angry when people wouldn’t talk about it.  No matter what people did, it was the wrong thing.  

To add to this horrible time, I also had to go through the actual miscarriage process.  Without going into too much detail, I will tell you that it hurt.  Physically, emotionally, spiritually, and mentally.  It seemed so unfair to go through such heartache while physically hurting as well.  

I really debated writing this section, as it is still very emotional and not something I really like to share with others.  However, it is important for people to know for a few reasons.  First, it is a message of hope.  It was so awful to go through, but we endured.  That baby is in heaven and we will someday get to meet a beautiful little angel waiting for us.  Second, for all of the people who have had a miscarriage to know that they are not alone, and yes, it is horrible.  The sorrow and despair one can feel is overwhelming, but again, gets more tolerable (not easy) over time.  And third, for all of you who are the support system for someone who has had a miscarriage...just listen.  No matter what you say or do, it will probably be the “wrong thing” but the person chose you to talk to because they love and trust you.  You can’t fix it, but you can listen.  

Our Stay in Minnesota

Casey was born at 3:15am.  When we called my parents to share the good news, they were so excited!  So excited, in fact, that my dad was already on the road driving up to meet Casey.  Our plan had been for him to come stay with us for a few days to help with Will and have my husband’s mom fly home so get back to work. My dad was so excited that he couldn’t wait until morning to leave.  Because Casey was also born via C-section, we would need to stay in the hospital for 3 additional nights.  Our days consisted of holding, feeding, and cuddling with Casey as well as talking with his birthmother and many of her friends and family.  We also got to spend the time with my mother-in-law and my father, who were both there helping out with Will.

We left the hospital and headed to Duluth to be near a good friend of ours.  It was so nice to be able to spend more time with people we knew.  It helped a lot to not feel so lonely.  We spent the next week there in a beautiful cabin adjusting to our new life of being a family of 4.  

When we were finally cleared through ICPC to come home, we eagerly got in our car and headed home.  Again, we were greeted by tons of family and friends who wanted to meet our new addition.  How blessed we are!!!

Mother's Day

What a reason to celebrate-Mother's Day!!!  I love this day, not only because my kids have to be on their best behavior or they have to deal with their Dad, but also to celebrate the relationships between mothers and their children.  Even as I changed poopy diapers and dealt with a tantrum because of chocolately fingers, I was happy because I have my children in my life.

I cried today though.  I cried because I still remember the Mother's Days where I wanted so badly to be a mother, but was not.  Those years are long gone now, but the pain still burns like it was yesterday.  Everything on Mother's Day is difficult when struggling with infertility.  The mothers get to stand up at church, while you are left sitting.  The flowers are all sold out when you try to go buy them for your own mother.  The family members and friends who don't know what to say to you.  The expectant mothers who want to share their news with the world, but wait an extra day so they don't have to tell you on Mother's Day.  And, although Mother's Day is a wonderful day to celebrate with the women who mean so much to you, it can also be a heartbreaking reminder of the cross many people carry in life.  Luckily, there are many people there to help us carry our cross.

About 6 years ago, my nephew got me a beautiful rock for Mother's Day.  I tried explaining to this 5 year old that I was not a mother, but he would not really listen.  He just looked at me and said something like, "Well, you don't have your own kids, but you are still a mom because you really like kids and help us."  I think he got it right.  There are so many people in our world who may not have the title at "Mom" but are looked at as moms.  Children see moms as people who love them with all of their hearts.  So, to all of my friends out there wanting children of their own, know that you are probably a "mom" to many people who you love, take care of, and are kind to.

Casey's Birth

The birth mother’s due date came and went as all of us were nervously waiting.  We got an update saying that if she did not go into labor within a few days that she would be induced.  The induction date was set for November 3rd, so we decided to head up there a day early to get settled into our hotel and be able to be at the hospital bright and early the next day.  

My mother-in-law made the first part of the trip with us so she could watch Will when we were in the hospital.  The agency recommends that you spend as much time as possible in the hospital.  They also suggest that other children come to visit, but not spend a ton of time there, so we are able to fully bond with the new baby.  

We arrived at the hospital at about 7am on November 3rd.  The doctor told us that they were going to first scrape her membranes to see if that would trigger labor.  After a few hours, nothing was happening so they gave her a low dose of medicine (not pitocin) that would help with labor.  Contractions began but were very slow and irregular.   After a full day of trying that, not much was happening, so the doctor decided to let her rest for the night and start pitocin the next day.  

The next morning the doctor gave her pitocin.  She began having pretty strong contractions, but nothing consistent right away.  My husband and I were given a room to stay in where we could get updates and try to relax ourselves.  Every hour or so, one of her friends would come in and let us know what was happening.  As the contractions got stronger, we began to prepare ourselves for the delivery.  The birth mother had told us on a phone conversation weeks earlier that she would like us to be in the room for the birth.  We were very excited, but unbelievably nervous too.  

At around 10pm the contractions were really strong and more consistent.  As we were told it was “go time” her friend came out of the room and asked us if we could go back to our room instead of the delivery room.  I panicked.  Once again, I was convinced that she had changed her mind.  I tried putting myself in her place and could only think of the emotional rollercoaster she was on, and after experiencing pregnancy and about to give birth, I could see how she might change her mind.  I prayed that she do what is truly best for her and the baby, and that is all I could do.  Putting this in God’s hands was the only way to make it through this situation.  

We didn’t hear from anyone for a few hours.  It was absolute torture.  Then, her friend came in and said that the baby’s vitals were starting to fall because of the extremely long labor.  The birth mother was being prepared for a C-section, and NO, she did not change her mind.  Praise the Lord!  We went to wait outside the surgery room, as no one other than the birth mother and doctors were allowed in.  The doctor did, however, ask for a camera and said she would take a lot of pictures for us.  

A few minutes later, we heard a baby cry (an extremely loud cry!).  The nurses brought him out and announced that the baby was totally healthy!  We were so excited, but had no clue if we had another son or a daughter.  The nurse turned again, smiled, and said, “it’s a boy!”

We went to the area where they cleaned him up, weighed and measured him, and we saw our son for the first time.  We still hadn’t settled on a name, but once I saw that he had a ton of blonde hair, I knew we would name him Casey.  (For some reason, I had it in my head that ‘Casey’s’ only had blonde hair).  

Match #2

When Will was about 14 months old, we had decided to fill out our paperwork for our second adoption.  We figured our wait would be longer this time because it was our second adoption, and even though we also decided to see Dr. Hilgers in Omaha, we  wanted to get our adoption paperwork going.  The second time around was a bit easier because we had saved a lot of our information and knew a lot more on things like medical background checks and how long different clearances would take.  We were cleared again by American Adoptions just before we went to Omaha.

After we returned from our second trip to Omaha, I was getting antsy from staying home and resting.  I was in pretty bad shape still but my mom agreed to take Will and me to Babies R’ Us to buy a few things that we needed for Will.  I got a phone call on the way saying we had been matched again!  This match was a bit more “typical” meaning that we were matched with a birthmother who was about 6 months pregnant.  She wanted to talk to us on the phone as well as meet up with us to “make sure” but really liked our profile and was sure she wanted to choose adoption.  

I called my husband at work to talk it over with him and got back to the match specialist at American Adoptions.  Everything seemed to be falling into place again and we accepted the match.  We agreed to talk with the birth mom on the phone in a few days as well as to meet her in a few weeks.  She lived about 8 hours away, so my husband and I drove to meet her on a Sunday.  

We spoke with the match specialist a few more times before the initial phone call to the birth mother.  This was very helpful, as she gave us advice on what to say (and not say)  and gave us some conversation starters.  She also assured us that she would be on the line the entire time in case things went horribly or there was information that should not be disclosed (like last names, income, etc).

It was finally the day to talk with the birthmom.  This was another one of those “awkward moments” that no matter how ready we were, it was still scary and weird.  How do you even start this conversation?  Luckily, I am able to talk to just about everyone I’ve ever met, so after a few uncomfortable minutes, we all fell into a fairly natural conversation.  After about 45 minutes, we wrapped up the conversation and decided to talk again next in two weeks.  

About a month after we were matched, we met up for lunch with the birth mom and her good friend.  This was one of the scariest moments of our whole experience.  Because we were coming from so far away and I am a freak about being on time, we arrived about an hour and a half early.  We hit a few stores that were around the restaurant and then went to the restaurant about 30 minutes early, just in case she was early too.  There was no one there waiting for anyone else, so we waited in the waiting area for about 40 minutes.  By this time we were getting strange looks from the staff and decided to wait outside on a few benches that were there instead.  After another 15 minutes, I decided to call our match specialist to see if she could find out what was happening.  She called the birthmother and not only did she not answer, but she had shut her phone off.  At this point, I completely freaked out.  I was positive she changed her mind about the adoption and did not know how to tell us.  We waited about 20 more minutes and...she showed up!  I had gotten the time mixed up by an hour and then was running late so...scariest wait time imaginable!

We had a very nice lunch and were able to talk quite a bit.  Afterwards we also went to a rose garden nearby to spend a little more time together.  We tried to learn as much as we could about her during this time and I’m sure she was doing the same.  We left feeling so much better about our match and confident that this was the right decision for all of us.  

After a few more phone calls, the due date was finally getting close!  We had the nursery all set up, a lot of new toys, clothes, and diapers, and were ready to have our second child!   

Omaha, Part 2

When I got back home, I had to schedule my next surgery.  I had decided to take a sabbatical from work that next school year, but my insurance switched from mine to my husband’s at the end of August.  I called them and asked to get in as soon as possible.  Dr. Hilgers’ next opening was in September :(  However, we didn’t come this far to let a few thousand dollars in medical costs get in the way, so I booked it.  A few days later, however, we got a call saying that there was a cancellation and he could do the surgery in two days!  Although I wasn’t completely healed from my first surgery, we said that we would be more than happy to make it out there!  Once again, my husband, son, mom, and I packed up in the car and headed to Omaha.  I had to go right to the hospital for my pre-op check up and then we headed back to our beloved hotel.  Early the next morning, my husband and I headed to the hospital.  We spoke with the doctor again about the surgery and then to a few other people who would be involved in the surgery.  The surgery lasted about 3 hours but was a complete success.  Dr. Hilgers talked with my husband about what was done.  He removed all of the endometriosis by using a method that did not cause any future scarring.  This was very different than my last surgery, which eventually caused me more endometriosis than I already had.  Dr. Hilgers also had to basically reconstruct one of my ovaries.  This was a major process and was the majority of the surgery.  

Dr. Hilgers then said that I would need about 10 weeks in order to START to feel better.  I figured that it would take maybe 2 weeks and I would be fine.  However, after the surgery, I began to believe that it might take the full 10 weeks.  Holy smokes...I was on morphine and it barely took away any pain.  I was released from the hospital after 2 nights and could go back to the hotel.  This was a really difficult time.  I was in a tremendous amount of pain and could barely stand up without getting sick.  However, the doctor told me that this was completely normal.  

After a few more days of being monitored, I was allowed to go home.  My mom and I had bought plane tickets to fly home with Will.  Thank goodness.  The car ride to the airport was about as much pain as I could handle.  

Once we were home, I needed full time help with Will for about 2 weeks.  I couldn’t drive, change diapers, or pretty much do anything without help.  It ended up taking the full 10 weeks before I was back to everyday activities without pain.  Working out was a different story...that took me months to get back into.  

The pain was well worth it though.  Dr. Hilgers was right...there was a lot wrong, but he could fix all of it. 

Omaha, Part 1

Omaha, Trip 1

At this point I had had it up to my eyeballs with doctors not finding answers and was very skeptical to see another one.  My husband, however, made a deal with me.  He said that I should give this one last doctor a chance, and after that, we were done with doctors, no matter what.  He was adamant about me seeing Dr. Hilgers, who is the founder of the Creighton Method of natural family planning.  In order to even have him consider treating me, I had to meet with someone locally who would train me in charting my cycles.  After meeting her, she seemed a bit “flighty” but I have found that she is absolutely amazing.  She runs a pregnancy help center, speaks all over the country, and still has time to meet with people to teach them how to properly use Natural Family Planning.  Her heart is truly devoted to helping people, especially the unborn.  She taught me all of the details to the Creighton Method.  I had taken my temperature to evaluate my cycles, but this was very different.  This was much more detailed...not difficult, but detailed.  After about 6 months of charting, my charts were sent in to Dr. Hilgers and he made a few suggestions as to what I should be doing.  He put me on thyroid medication, as he found that I had a hypothyroid.  He also put me on amoxicillin to help around times of ovulation.  Lastly, he suggested that I see him in Omaha for an exploratory surgery as well as ultrasounds and bloodwork to see if I was ovulating properly.  We made an appointment for the end of July to go see him.  Because we were going to be there for a week or two, we asked my mom if she would go with us so we had someone to watch Will while I was at all of my appointments.  

We got to Omaha the night before my surgery and checked into our hotel.  It was such a great place!  It was super cheap and served 3 meals a day, plus beer and wine!  (If anyone ever goes to see Dr. Hilgers, be sure to contact me for this information).  I finally got to actually meet Dr. Hilgers the night before my surgery.  He definitely intrigued me.  

As a soccer player, I always kept an eye on those players who wore bright-colored shoes.  I thought colored shoes were perfectly acceptable if and only if that person was the best player on the field.  Then, they had every reason to stand out.  However, if they weren’t the best player out there, I had every reason to harass them the rest of the game.  Dr. Hilgers wore these so-called bright shoes.  He told me that my “unexplained infertility” was a bunch of hoo ha.  There is no such thing.  He told me “there are, however, crappy doctors and lazy doctors.”  I couldn’t believe he said that!  I thought that those were very strong words to say to someone who had been through years of testing with many other doctors.  What if he couldn’t find anything?  He promised me that he would find what is wrong and give me a definitive answer on whether or not I would be able to have biological children.  He also told me that with all of his patients, he was right 95% of the time.  He also asked my husband what his career was.  After finding out that he is an engineer, Dr. Hilgers explained that he sees a lot of engineers here, because engineers want an answer as to how things work, not a band-aid that temporarily hides a problem.  At this point, all I wanted was an answer.  If biological children were possible, I wanted to get pregnant.  If it was not possible, I wanted to be done being a lab rat.  

I had surgery the next day.  He found that I had more endometriosis, probably caused by my last surgery to remove it.  What a kick in the gut.  The surgery I had previously caused me to have more endometriosis!  He also found that one of my ovaries was completely a mess.  Apparently, ovaries are supposed to more somewhat freely, being able to flip back and forth over and under the fallopian tube.  Mine wouldn’t move at all.  There was also more endometriosis that he was not able to get to in this minor surgery and I would need another, more invasive one.  

I then had to stay in Omaha for ultrasounds daily until I ovulated.  Of course, I ovulated late that month and had to stay in Omaha for 10 days!  The nurse doing the ultrasound told me that everything looked great during ovulation and I was releasing healthy eggs that had a chance for fertilization.  My husband was very excited that this was the “perfect” time to conceive, however, the nurse told him, “Honey, if you’re here, it isn’t a matter of timing.  But, hey!  Go ahead and try anyway!”  That seemed to be just fine with him :)

We made the best of our stay in Omaha.  They have an unbelievable zoo there and some really great restaurants.  Although Omaha was not my vacation destination of choice, it was nice being able to spend a lot of time with my husband, son, and mom.

Bad Advice

Here is some advice that was given to us by friends, family, neighbors, strangers, etc.  I wrote this section to get some laughs, not to offend anyone who has given this advice, which is a lot of you! :)  However, it is also to point out that giving advice can be kind of a tricky thing.  After six years of trying to get pregnant, I wasn’t really looking for advice.  Clearly, there was something majorly wrong that didn’t have a “quick fix” solution.  I do appreciate the concern that people who did give this advice were showing me...I truly do have incredible people in my life.  Also, because I have an audience ranging from family to friends to coworkers to former students to strangers, I have had to keep these PG, which means leaving some pretty entertaining ones off the list!

"Buy a dog"-Ummm...who’s met Marty?  Not good advice... 

"Did you try relaxing?  Just don’t think about it!"-I hate this one...do you really think that in 6 years I wasn’t relaxed one time???  There were PLENTY of times that I wasn’t thinking about it!

"Eat more peanuts"-ironic...I have a kid with a peanut allergy

"Stand on your head"-mood killer

"Do bicycles"-also a mood killer

"Did you know that there are certain times of your cycle that you are more fertile?"-Oh yes, I actually learned that in the video I watched in 5th grade with little orphan Annie!  Good grief, how did you not know that???

"Go on an airplane" (no, not the “mile high” club, just something with ovulation?  I don’t know...it didn’t work).

"No hot tubs or hot showers"-I really missed those

"No lap tops"-very sad for my husband

"No alcohol"-ugh... 

"Lots of alcohol"-not a bad suggestion!  

"Go on vacation"-my favorite advice coupled with the one above

"No tighty whities"-husband, not me 

"Hang out with pregnant people"-easy...EVERYONE I knew was pregnant!

More Doctors

In my first entry, I briefly talked about how I was also seeing a fertility specialist.  After adopting our first son, we decided to see a different doctor.  She was highly recommended in the area and I wanted to see someone who might be able to find something that the other specialist had not seen.  So, I started my testing over.  I had another hysterosalpingogram, which was not nearly as bad.  She also recommended that I have an exploratory surgery.  I had a surgery which found that I had a little bit of endometriosis.  The doctor was able to remove what she had seen as well as get a “kink” out of my fallopian tube.  I was excited to finally have a bit of an explanation.  She told me to “call her in the next 6 months” because she was sure I would be pregnant.  I was ecstatic!  

With each month I became more discouraged.  Thank goodness I had my son to help me through these sad times, but it was still filled with frustration.  After 6 months, I went back to see her and she suggested that I do in vitro.  In all of the testing, we found that ovulating was definitely not the problem, so I wasn’t sure why in vitro was “the answer.”  It didn’t make sense.  However, I wasn’t necessarily thinking clearly either.  This was so difficult.  I had someone telling me that I would have biological children by doing in vitro, even though there were clearly different issues that caused me not to get pregnant.  And, it was a lot of money with no guarantees.  Adoption, however, I knew was perfect for us, and we could put the money towards another adoption.  I also talked with our priest about in vitro and why the Catholic Church did not support in vitro.  It wasn’t until I emailed Cardinal Dolan (at the time, Archbishop Dolan) that I got an answer that satisfied me.  It was such a beautiful explanation, rather than a condemnation.  

It was a hard decision, but we decided that we would not do in vitro.  We would, however, find a doctor who could give us some answers.  We found that doctor in Omaha.

Coming Home

In order to be cleared to come home, we needed to get a call from ICPC telling us it was okay.  We had been in New Jersey for 10 days now, and we were coming up on the weekend, which ICPC does not work.  Then, that next Monday, was President’s Day, which they also don’t work.   We were desperately hoping to hear from them before the weekend.  At about 3pm we got a call letting us know that we were cleared to leave New Jersey, but not yet cleared to enter Wisconsin.  We decided to get a flight as soon as possible and fly to Illinois and stay with my husband’s parents until we were cleared.  We got a flight at 5:30 that night to Chicago.  No problem.  2 ½ hours to make it to LaGuardia Ne and catch our flight.  We literally stuffed everything into suitcases and ran out of the hotel.  We jumped in our car and headed into New York City...on a Friday...in rush hour.  There was absolutely no way we were going to make our flight.  Luckily, as we were going through a tunnel into NYC, we got a call clearing us for Wisconsin.  I was then scrambling to try to change our flight.  I kept losing cell phone connection, so I called my mom to try to get everything changed for me.  We also called a friend that my husband works with to see what she could do.  Will was starving at this point, so as we were on 5th Avenue, trying to change our flights, stuck in traffic, I also had to give him a bottle.  It was a little stressful.  After many phone calls and telling a very nice woman on Midwest Airlines our whole story, we got our flight changed (and to a later time, so we could make it!)  The flight home was uneventful.  Will slept the entire way home.  Arriving at the airport was such an amazing feeling.  It was the first time our son got to meet a family member.  My dad was the one to pick us up.  As I write this, I am getting teary.  I will never forget the look on my dad’s face.  Anyone who knows my dad knows that he tries to be a tough guy, but he is a softy.  He absolutely loves his grandkids.  He had tears in his eyes and the biggest smile on his face.  He couldn’t even speak, he just grabbed Will from me and stared at him.  We got home at about 9pm and were welcomed by my mom, mother-in-law, father-in-law, brother, sister-in-law, and my nephews.  My nephews had made a huge “Welcome Home Will!” sign for him too!  My best friend and her daughter also came over shortly after we got home.  We ate pizza and told everyone what our past ten days entailed.  Although we called each of them multiple times a day, it was great to be able to tell it to them in person!

The next few days and weeks were flooded with family and friends.  I couldn’t believe how amazing everyone was.  We got so many gifts that I had to buy thank you cards just about every day! It was so nice to get to share our happiness with everyone around us.  Our baby boy was already so loved and welcomed into our family and community. 

Our Stay in New Jersey

The next few days were, needless to say, interesting.  We had a lot of time in our hotel and didn’t necessarily want to go many places in Newark with a newborn.  One night we drove about an hour to meet up with one of my husband’s coworkers who lived in New Jersey.  I remember talking with my husband about how nice it was to get out of the hotel and be in the car.  It didn’t matter how far we had to drive, we were going to see someone we knew!  We had a nice dinner out and Will was the perfect little gentleman.  

The next day we were meeting up with Will’s birth parents at TGI Fridays.  It was so nice to see them again.  The hospital was so emotional, so this was a nice way for us to get together in a place that was more “normal.”  We had a great time talking, taking pictures, and eating.  They seemed to be doing really well and were still feeling like their decision was what was best for Will.  It was so nice to see them again that we decided to get together with them again before we left.  

The next day we drove to meet another friend for dinner.  I actually met him for the first time at the March for Life, where we were first “active” in the adoption process, just a few weeks before.  He drove in from Pennsylvania, which was about 2 hours away, I think.  We were so grateful to have him come out to have dinner with us (in Princeton, which was AWESOME!).  Thanks Damian!!!  For anyone in the adoption process, I highly recommend trying to meet up with anyone within a few hours of where you will be.  It helped us so much to be “proud parents” and show off our baby to people we knew.  These friends have a special place in my heart, as they were the first to see our family of three!

Towards the end of the week, we met up again with Will’s birth parents.  They actually came to our hotel and we played board games in a common area.  At the time, and looking back, I find this weird.  Good, but weird.  It is strange to think that we were hanging out, playing board games, with the woman who recently gave birth to our son, and her boyfriend.  Also, anyone who has ever played board games with me is probably laughing at how difficult of a position this put me in.  I am extremely competitive and loud when playing board games.  Oh, and sweaty.  Yup, all things that I tried to hide while playing, but came out within 20 minutes of playing.  Thank goodness they found my behavior entertaining and not crazy!

The end of the night was hard.  This would be the last time they see Will.  There were a lot of tears and kisses, and eventually my husband drove them home.  I stayed back with Will and just held him.  I was so thankful that God put him into our lives, but it broke my heart knowing the pain they were feeling.  

Valentine's Day

We were set to sign the papers gaining all custody and parental rights on Valentine’s Day.  We got up early that morning and headed to the hospital to be with Will.  The social worker showed up around noon and we went into a room to sign the papers.  She said that everything had gone smoothly that morning with the birth parents and that they were confident in their decision to terminate all rights.  She went through all of the papers very thoroughly, but I barely remember any of it.  I was so nervous.  Do you get that feeling right before you pass out, where you can barely hear anything and everything seems to be moving in slow motion?  That is how I felt through the entire signing...

After signing the papers, I went into “mom mode” and made sure we had diapers, formula, signed papers to be released from the hospital, the car seat properly installed, and a million other things.  My husband, on the other hand, got hit with reality.  He was holding Will and BAWLING!  The nurses were teasing his to “get a grip” before he left the hospital.  At this time, I could see that all of the emotions that I seemed to be slowly going through in the entire “trying to get pregnant/adoption” process, had hit him all at once.  

I vividly remember getting into the car with Will.  We checked the car seat a few hundred times and I jumped into the passenger side as my husband drove us.  He asked me if I should be sitting in the backseat and I immediately thought to myself, “Oh my gosh!  Should I?  Is that what moms do?  Do I not have those ‘mommy instincts’ I should?”    Those emotions quickly turned into excitement.  This was the first time we had been with Will where he was in our legal custody.  It was official.  We were parents!!!

We drove ten miles under the speed limit back to our hotel and introduced him to the hotel staff.  We wanted so badly to “show off” our new son, so we ended up showing him to everyone in the hotel.  We befriended the concierges, cleaning, staff, cooks, etc. just to have someone to oogle at him as well.  Not having people we knew at the hotel with us was difficult.  We were 1000 miles away from any of our family or friends and had so many questions to ask and so many people we wanted him to meet.  The wait to come home was so hard.  

But, we tried to make the best of it.  However, things got a little uncomfortable as we sat in our hotel room, in the middle of Newark, on Valentine’s Day.  Let’s just say that our neighbors were not very considerate of us having a newborn.  Enough said?  Ugh...

My husband and I decided to celebrate our first night as official parents as well as Valentine’s Day, but were terrified to take Will out.  My husband went out to get us a nice dinner, which consisted of steak and lobster.  Things were perfect!  A beautiful son, an amazing husband, Valentine’s Day, and a wonderful dinner!  All we needed now was silverware.  No such luck.  We ate our steak and lobster like cavemen...picking it up with our hands and gnawing on it.  Oh well.