Once we brought Casey home, we began to adjust as a family of 4. As with Will, it was quite an adjustment! Casey was much more fussy, but a much better sleeper, so there were parts that were much more difficult and other parts that seemed easier.
I also was in full swing of medication from Dr. Hilgers. My memory has blocked out some of it, I’m sure, but here is what I can remember. I had to have estrogen shots that I gave to myself through my stomach. That was every other day??? I also had to take thyroid medication at EXACTLY 7am and 7pm every day. There were HCG pills I also had to take twice a day, every day. I had to get my blood drawn weekly to make sure all of my hormone levels were where they should be.
About 6 weeks after Casey was born, my period was late. I called Dr. Hilgers’ nurses and they told me to have my blood drawn at a clinic to see if I was pregnant. I went immediately and found that I was. The nurses told me that anything above a 5 is considered pregnant, and I was at a 16. She did however, tell me that I should have my blood drawn the next week as well to make sure my levels were rising (they should double every day). We were so excited that we immediately told some of our family and close friends. After years of trying, we finally conceived!!! We laughed at the thought of having 3 kids under 3, and our youngest 2 being only 10 months apart. Our prayers have been heard!
The next week I went to get my blood drawn again and found that my levels were still above 5, but were only at 8, when they should have been much higher at this point. I asked the nurse what this meant and she told me that I had miscarried. We were devastated. Although I was only a few weeks pregnant, I had already fallen in love with this child. I already thought of names, wondered about the gender, pictured my family of 5, and had made this child a huge part of my life.
Telling people was also extremely hard. They were heartbroken. No one knew what to say either, and I found, that there is nothing anyone can say. Every word seemed so wrong and every look people gave seemed out of pity. I was angry when people would try to comfort me and angry when people wouldn’t talk about it. No matter what people did, it was the wrong thing.
To add to this horrible time, I also had to go through the actual miscarriage process. Without going into too much detail, I will tell you that it hurt. Physically, emotionally, spiritually, and mentally. It seemed so unfair to go through such heartache while physically hurting as well.
I really debated writing this section, as it is still very emotional and not something I really like to share with others. However, it is important for people to know for a few reasons. First, it is a message of hope. It was so awful to go through, but we endured. That baby is in heaven and we will someday get to meet a beautiful little angel waiting for us. Second, for all of the people who have had a miscarriage to know that they are not alone, and yes, it is horrible. The sorrow and despair one can feel is overwhelming, but again, gets more tolerable (not easy) over time. And third, for all of you who are the support system for someone who has had a miscarriage...just listen. No matter what you say or do, it will probably be the “wrong thing” but the person chose you to talk to because they love and trust you. You can’t fix it, but you can listen.
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