That Always Seem to Happen!

After waiting for my body to recover from the miscarriage, we decided to try to conceive again.  There were a lot of fears to go along with this, but we had gone so far to make it to this point, we wanted to continue to grow our family.  Was it even possible though?  Was the last conception a fluke?  

The next month I was one day late.  I called the nurses at the Pope Paul VI Institute and they told me that I would need to go to a clinic to get a pregnancy test.  I needed to go that day, because it was a Friday and I would need to possibly start progesterone immediately and couldn’t wait over the weekend to find out.  My husband was working from home and so I asked him to watch the boys while I went to get a test.  He told me that he was working so I would have to bring the boys.  I should have known right then that I was pregnant, because my reaction was a bit “extreme.”  I was pissed.  I now had to pack up a 2 year old and a 4 month old, drive a half hour during their nap time, and get my blood drawn.  I packed them into the car, and just to show my husband how mad I was, zoomed out of the garage.  Until I hit the side of the garage with our brand new van.  Crap.  Luckily, he was much more calm about the situation :)

I got my blood drawn with both boys, came back home and waited for the phone call.  A few hours later, I got the call saying that I was pregnant!!!  This time my hormone levels were in the hundreds, not the teens, which was a great sign.  I was absolutely shocked again, that I was pregnant.  Dr. Hilgers was truly amazing...I had conceived twice in the 4 months after I had seen him.  

Dr. Hilgers immediately put me on progesterone shots to make sure that I could maintain the pregnancy.  Oftentimes it is low progesterone that can make someone miscarry, so I had the shots throughout most of my pregnancy.  I also had blood draws every other week to make sure all of my hormone levels were where they should be.  I was so pleased with the care and concern they had for my baby and me.

We were finally “in the clear” and began to tell people that I was pregnant.  I heard a lot of people say, “that always seems to just happen!”  I was confused.  What did so many people think “just happened?”  I know people did not mean to be stereotypical with this statement, but it drove me crazy!  First of all, it was almost as if some people thought that is why we adopted.  Whether we had fertility issues or not, we were going to adopt children.  Also, my multiple surgeries, years of being a “lab rat”, shots, medications, blood draws, etc, is what made it happen, so it didn’t “just happen.”  However, most of the time when I heard this, I would just nod and smile because that is much easier than explaining how it REALLY happened.  And besides, I was pregnant!  Silly comments couldn’t stop me from beaming!!!

Ups and Downs

Once we brought Casey home, we began to adjust as a family of 4.  As with Will, it was quite an adjustment!  Casey was much more fussy, but a much better sleeper, so there were parts that were much more difficult and other parts that seemed easier.  

I also was in full swing of medication from Dr. Hilgers.  My memory has blocked out some of it, I’m sure, but here is what I can remember.  I had to have estrogen shots that I gave to myself through my stomach.  That was every other day???  I also had to take thyroid medication at EXACTLY 7am and 7pm every day.  There were HCG pills I also had to take twice a day, every day.  I had to get my blood drawn weekly to make sure all of my hormone levels were where they should be.  

About 6 weeks after Casey was born, my period was late.  I called Dr. Hilgers’ nurses and they told me to have my blood drawn at a clinic to see if I was pregnant.  I went immediately and found that I was.  The nurses told me that anything above a 5 is considered pregnant, and I was at a 16.  She did however, tell me that I should have my blood drawn the next week as well to make sure my levels were rising (they should double every day).  We were so excited that we immediately told some of our family and close friends.  After years of trying, we finally conceived!!!  We laughed at the thought of having 3 kids under 3, and our youngest 2 being only 10 months apart.  Our prayers have been heard!

The next week I went to get my blood drawn again and found that my levels were still above 5, but were only at 8, when they should have been much higher at this point.  I asked the nurse what this meant and she told me that I had miscarried.   We were devastated.  Although I was only a few weeks pregnant, I had already fallen in love with this child.  I already thought of names, wondered about the gender, pictured my family of 5, and had made this child a huge part of my life.  

Telling people was also extremely hard.  They were heartbroken.  No one knew what to say either, and I found, that there is nothing anyone can say.  Every word seemed so wrong and every look people gave seemed out of pity.  I was angry when people would try to comfort me and angry when people wouldn’t talk about it.  No matter what people did, it was the wrong thing.  

To add to this horrible time, I also had to go through the actual miscarriage process.  Without going into too much detail, I will tell you that it hurt.  Physically, emotionally, spiritually, and mentally.  It seemed so unfair to go through such heartache while physically hurting as well.  

I really debated writing this section, as it is still very emotional and not something I really like to share with others.  However, it is important for people to know for a few reasons.  First, it is a message of hope.  It was so awful to go through, but we endured.  That baby is in heaven and we will someday get to meet a beautiful little angel waiting for us.  Second, for all of the people who have had a miscarriage to know that they are not alone, and yes, it is horrible.  The sorrow and despair one can feel is overwhelming, but again, gets more tolerable (not easy) over time.  And third, for all of you who are the support system for someone who has had a miscarriage...just listen.  No matter what you say or do, it will probably be the “wrong thing” but the person chose you to talk to because they love and trust you.  You can’t fix it, but you can listen.  

Our Stay in Minnesota

Casey was born at 3:15am.  When we called my parents to share the good news, they were so excited!  So excited, in fact, that my dad was already on the road driving up to meet Casey.  Our plan had been for him to come stay with us for a few days to help with Will and have my husband’s mom fly home so get back to work. My dad was so excited that he couldn’t wait until morning to leave.  Because Casey was also born via C-section, we would need to stay in the hospital for 3 additional nights.  Our days consisted of holding, feeding, and cuddling with Casey as well as talking with his birthmother and many of her friends and family.  We also got to spend the time with my mother-in-law and my father, who were both there helping out with Will.

We left the hospital and headed to Duluth to be near a good friend of ours.  It was so nice to be able to spend more time with people we knew.  It helped a lot to not feel so lonely.  We spent the next week there in a beautiful cabin adjusting to our new life of being a family of 4.  

When we were finally cleared through ICPC to come home, we eagerly got in our car and headed home.  Again, we were greeted by tons of family and friends who wanted to meet our new addition.  How blessed we are!!!

Mother's Day

What a reason to celebrate-Mother's Day!!!  I love this day, not only because my kids have to be on their best behavior or they have to deal with their Dad, but also to celebrate the relationships between mothers and their children.  Even as I changed poopy diapers and dealt with a tantrum because of chocolately fingers, I was happy because I have my children in my life.

I cried today though.  I cried because I still remember the Mother's Days where I wanted so badly to be a mother, but was not.  Those years are long gone now, but the pain still burns like it was yesterday.  Everything on Mother's Day is difficult when struggling with infertility.  The mothers get to stand up at church, while you are left sitting.  The flowers are all sold out when you try to go buy them for your own mother.  The family members and friends who don't know what to say to you.  The expectant mothers who want to share their news with the world, but wait an extra day so they don't have to tell you on Mother's Day.  And, although Mother's Day is a wonderful day to celebrate with the women who mean so much to you, it can also be a heartbreaking reminder of the cross many people carry in life.  Luckily, there are many people there to help us carry our cross.

About 6 years ago, my nephew got me a beautiful rock for Mother's Day.  I tried explaining to this 5 year old that I was not a mother, but he would not really listen.  He just looked at me and said something like, "Well, you don't have your own kids, but you are still a mom because you really like kids and help us."  I think he got it right.  There are so many people in our world who may not have the title at "Mom" but are looked at as moms.  Children see moms as people who love them with all of their hearts.  So, to all of my friends out there wanting children of their own, know that you are probably a "mom" to many people who you love, take care of, and are kind to.

Casey's Birth

The birth mother’s due date came and went as all of us were nervously waiting.  We got an update saying that if she did not go into labor within a few days that she would be induced.  The induction date was set for November 3rd, so we decided to head up there a day early to get settled into our hotel and be able to be at the hospital bright and early the next day.  

My mother-in-law made the first part of the trip with us so she could watch Will when we were in the hospital.  The agency recommends that you spend as much time as possible in the hospital.  They also suggest that other children come to visit, but not spend a ton of time there, so we are able to fully bond with the new baby.  

We arrived at the hospital at about 7am on November 3rd.  The doctor told us that they were going to first scrape her membranes to see if that would trigger labor.  After a few hours, nothing was happening so they gave her a low dose of medicine (not pitocin) that would help with labor.  Contractions began but were very slow and irregular.   After a full day of trying that, not much was happening, so the doctor decided to let her rest for the night and start pitocin the next day.  

The next morning the doctor gave her pitocin.  She began having pretty strong contractions, but nothing consistent right away.  My husband and I were given a room to stay in where we could get updates and try to relax ourselves.  Every hour or so, one of her friends would come in and let us know what was happening.  As the contractions got stronger, we began to prepare ourselves for the delivery.  The birth mother had told us on a phone conversation weeks earlier that she would like us to be in the room for the birth.  We were very excited, but unbelievably nervous too.  

At around 10pm the contractions were really strong and more consistent.  As we were told it was “go time” her friend came out of the room and asked us if we could go back to our room instead of the delivery room.  I panicked.  Once again, I was convinced that she had changed her mind.  I tried putting myself in her place and could only think of the emotional rollercoaster she was on, and after experiencing pregnancy and about to give birth, I could see how she might change her mind.  I prayed that she do what is truly best for her and the baby, and that is all I could do.  Putting this in God’s hands was the only way to make it through this situation.  

We didn’t hear from anyone for a few hours.  It was absolute torture.  Then, her friend came in and said that the baby’s vitals were starting to fall because of the extremely long labor.  The birth mother was being prepared for a C-section, and NO, she did not change her mind.  Praise the Lord!  We went to wait outside the surgery room, as no one other than the birth mother and doctors were allowed in.  The doctor did, however, ask for a camera and said she would take a lot of pictures for us.  

A few minutes later, we heard a baby cry (an extremely loud cry!).  The nurses brought him out and announced that the baby was totally healthy!  We were so excited, but had no clue if we had another son or a daughter.  The nurse turned again, smiled, and said, “it’s a boy!”

We went to the area where they cleaned him up, weighed and measured him, and we saw our son for the first time.  We still hadn’t settled on a name, but once I saw that he had a ton of blonde hair, I knew we would name him Casey.  (For some reason, I had it in my head that ‘Casey’s’ only had blonde hair).  

Match #2

When Will was about 14 months old, we had decided to fill out our paperwork for our second adoption.  We figured our wait would be longer this time because it was our second adoption, and even though we also decided to see Dr. Hilgers in Omaha, we  wanted to get our adoption paperwork going.  The second time around was a bit easier because we had saved a lot of our information and knew a lot more on things like medical background checks and how long different clearances would take.  We were cleared again by American Adoptions just before we went to Omaha.

After we returned from our second trip to Omaha, I was getting antsy from staying home and resting.  I was in pretty bad shape still but my mom agreed to take Will and me to Babies R’ Us to buy a few things that we needed for Will.  I got a phone call on the way saying we had been matched again!  This match was a bit more “typical” meaning that we were matched with a birthmother who was about 6 months pregnant.  She wanted to talk to us on the phone as well as meet up with us to “make sure” but really liked our profile and was sure she wanted to choose adoption.  

I called my husband at work to talk it over with him and got back to the match specialist at American Adoptions.  Everything seemed to be falling into place again and we accepted the match.  We agreed to talk with the birth mom on the phone in a few days as well as to meet her in a few weeks.  She lived about 8 hours away, so my husband and I drove to meet her on a Sunday.  

We spoke with the match specialist a few more times before the initial phone call to the birth mother.  This was very helpful, as she gave us advice on what to say (and not say)  and gave us some conversation starters.  She also assured us that she would be on the line the entire time in case things went horribly or there was information that should not be disclosed (like last names, income, etc).

It was finally the day to talk with the birthmom.  This was another one of those “awkward moments” that no matter how ready we were, it was still scary and weird.  How do you even start this conversation?  Luckily, I am able to talk to just about everyone I’ve ever met, so after a few uncomfortable minutes, we all fell into a fairly natural conversation.  After about 45 minutes, we wrapped up the conversation and decided to talk again next in two weeks.  

About a month after we were matched, we met up for lunch with the birth mom and her good friend.  This was one of the scariest moments of our whole experience.  Because we were coming from so far away and I am a freak about being on time, we arrived about an hour and a half early.  We hit a few stores that were around the restaurant and then went to the restaurant about 30 minutes early, just in case she was early too.  There was no one there waiting for anyone else, so we waited in the waiting area for about 40 minutes.  By this time we were getting strange looks from the staff and decided to wait outside on a few benches that were there instead.  After another 15 minutes, I decided to call our match specialist to see if she could find out what was happening.  She called the birthmother and not only did she not answer, but she had shut her phone off.  At this point, I completely freaked out.  I was positive she changed her mind about the adoption and did not know how to tell us.  We waited about 20 more minutes and...she showed up!  I had gotten the time mixed up by an hour and then was running late so...scariest wait time imaginable!

We had a very nice lunch and were able to talk quite a bit.  Afterwards we also went to a rose garden nearby to spend a little more time together.  We tried to learn as much as we could about her during this time and I’m sure she was doing the same.  We left feeling so much better about our match and confident that this was the right decision for all of us.  

After a few more phone calls, the due date was finally getting close!  We had the nursery all set up, a lot of new toys, clothes, and diapers, and were ready to have our second child!   

Omaha, Part 2

When I got back home, I had to schedule my next surgery.  I had decided to take a sabbatical from work that next school year, but my insurance switched from mine to my husband’s at the end of August.  I called them and asked to get in as soon as possible.  Dr. Hilgers’ next opening was in September :(  However, we didn’t come this far to let a few thousand dollars in medical costs get in the way, so I booked it.  A few days later, however, we got a call saying that there was a cancellation and he could do the surgery in two days!  Although I wasn’t completely healed from my first surgery, we said that we would be more than happy to make it out there!  Once again, my husband, son, mom, and I packed up in the car and headed to Omaha.  I had to go right to the hospital for my pre-op check up and then we headed back to our beloved hotel.  Early the next morning, my husband and I headed to the hospital.  We spoke with the doctor again about the surgery and then to a few other people who would be involved in the surgery.  The surgery lasted about 3 hours but was a complete success.  Dr. Hilgers talked with my husband about what was done.  He removed all of the endometriosis by using a method that did not cause any future scarring.  This was very different than my last surgery, which eventually caused me more endometriosis than I already had.  Dr. Hilgers also had to basically reconstruct one of my ovaries.  This was a major process and was the majority of the surgery.  

Dr. Hilgers then said that I would need about 10 weeks in order to START to feel better.  I figured that it would take maybe 2 weeks and I would be fine.  However, after the surgery, I began to believe that it might take the full 10 weeks.  Holy smokes...I was on morphine and it barely took away any pain.  I was released from the hospital after 2 nights and could go back to the hotel.  This was a really difficult time.  I was in a tremendous amount of pain and could barely stand up without getting sick.  However, the doctor told me that this was completely normal.  

After a few more days of being monitored, I was allowed to go home.  My mom and I had bought plane tickets to fly home with Will.  Thank goodness.  The car ride to the airport was about as much pain as I could handle.  

Once we were home, I needed full time help with Will for about 2 weeks.  I couldn’t drive, change diapers, or pretty much do anything without help.  It ended up taking the full 10 weeks before I was back to everyday activities without pain.  Working out was a different story...that took me months to get back into.  

The pain was well worth it though.  Dr. Hilgers was right...there was a lot wrong, but he could fix all of it.