Got Me Thinking...

Some of the first comments we got from showing pictures and people coming to see Elizabeth were about how much she looks like Brock.  Of course, I too, was looking for traits that she has of mine, but it made me uncomfortable with how much it was talked about.  As Will and Casey sat in the hospital and at home with visitors, I felt as though they (more Will) were wondering who they looked like.  Will began to ask us who else has brown eyes or curly hair.   It was from strangers too, constantly asking where he got his curly hair from.  I don’t know how to answer either.  Do I say that his curly hair is from his birth father?  That comment would probably confuse Will as well as make the person asking feel like an idiot.  Do I lie and say Will got his curly hair from Brock?  Brock’s fair is curly, but that is not where Will got it from.  I don’t want to lie to anyone, especially in front of my children.  

We, by no means, are hiding his adoption from them, but we don’t want them to feel left out.  It has got to be hard to hear how a sibling looks like a parent each and every day, but they have not gotten comments like that.  So now, as time goes on, and both boys become more and more aware of what comments people make, I am more and more aware and sensitive of those comments.  They are, by no means, harmful, but rather pointless.  And because I am so aware of these comments, I get nervous every time one is said, making the whole situation awkward!  Ahhh!!!

Elizabeth

My pregnancy went fairly smoothly.  There were a few days that I felt queasy, but nothing major.  I did, however, have “weird” things happen throughout the pregnancy.  I had major back problems early on.  Then were the migraines...those sucked.  I had a headache for about 5 weeks straight.  Once I got over that, I got plantar fascaitis.  I would wake up in the middle of the night with horrible cramps in my heels and feet.  This went on for weeks until I finally accepted that I would have to wear my running shoes all of the time.  So, my summer was spent in dresses and running shoes.  Right about the time that the novelty of being pregnant began to wear off, we had our ultrasound.  We decided to find out the gender.  I really wanted to find out because I felt like I needed to mentally prepare for the chaos we may have if we were to have three boys under 3 years old.  We went to the ultrasound and found out that we would be having our first little girl!  We were so excited!  Once the third trimester rolled around, I was feeling great!  I was over all of the aches and pains and was ready to meet my baby!  

On December 12th, I was absolutely determined to have the baby.  I went to the gym that morning and went on the treadmill.  After about 10 minutes of walking I felt so miserable that I had to stop.  No “real” contractions, but felt horrible.  On the way home I began to panic a bit about adding another child to our family.  Do other parents go through this?  I felt guilty that I would be dividing my time again between my children, and it broke my heart!  I decided that I would take the boys to see Santa while I still had time!  My mom came with me and the boys got to see Santa.  We walked around a bit afterwards to kill some time until I felt horrible again.  I had to take a 20 minute break in the Boston Store shoe section before I could make it back to the car.  Once we were home, I put Casey down for a nap and popped in a movie for Will.  I fell asleep immediately on the couch until my water broke!  Woo hoo!  I called Brock at work and told him to come home.  I called the doctor, my parents, and a few friends, letting them know the baby was on her way!  

After about 7 hours of trying to get contractions started, the nurses gave me pitocin.  I immediately had regular (and extremely painful) contractions.  3 hours later, I had an epidural, and a few hours after that our baby was born!  Elizabeth came into the world at 9:45 am.  She was absolutely perfect!  

That day, we got a glimpse of her personality.  She is very sweet for most of the time.  However, when she wants something, she is going to let everyone know until she gets her way.  To this day, she is extremely strong-willed and demands that she gets what she wants.  At the same time, she cuddles and gives out so much love to everyone.  My little girl...

That Always Seem to Happen!

After waiting for my body to recover from the miscarriage, we decided to try to conceive again.  There were a lot of fears to go along with this, but we had gone so far to make it to this point, we wanted to continue to grow our family.  Was it even possible though?  Was the last conception a fluke?  

The next month I was one day late.  I called the nurses at the Pope Paul VI Institute and they told me that I would need to go to a clinic to get a pregnancy test.  I needed to go that day, because it was a Friday and I would need to possibly start progesterone immediately and couldn’t wait over the weekend to find out.  My husband was working from home and so I asked him to watch the boys while I went to get a test.  He told me that he was working so I would have to bring the boys.  I should have known right then that I was pregnant, because my reaction was a bit “extreme.”  I was pissed.  I now had to pack up a 2 year old and a 4 month old, drive a half hour during their nap time, and get my blood drawn.  I packed them into the car, and just to show my husband how mad I was, zoomed out of the garage.  Until I hit the side of the garage with our brand new van.  Crap.  Luckily, he was much more calm about the situation :)

I got my blood drawn with both boys, came back home and waited for the phone call.  A few hours later, I got the call saying that I was pregnant!!!  This time my hormone levels were in the hundreds, not the teens, which was a great sign.  I was absolutely shocked again, that I was pregnant.  Dr. Hilgers was truly amazing...I had conceived twice in the 4 months after I had seen him.  

Dr. Hilgers immediately put me on progesterone shots to make sure that I could maintain the pregnancy.  Oftentimes it is low progesterone that can make someone miscarry, so I had the shots throughout most of my pregnancy.  I also had blood draws every other week to make sure all of my hormone levels were where they should be.  I was so pleased with the care and concern they had for my baby and me.

We were finally “in the clear” and began to tell people that I was pregnant.  I heard a lot of people say, “that always seems to just happen!”  I was confused.  What did so many people think “just happened?”  I know people did not mean to be stereotypical with this statement, but it drove me crazy!  First of all, it was almost as if some people thought that is why we adopted.  Whether we had fertility issues or not, we were going to adopt children.  Also, my multiple surgeries, years of being a “lab rat”, shots, medications, blood draws, etc, is what made it happen, so it didn’t “just happen.”  However, most of the time when I heard this, I would just nod and smile because that is much easier than explaining how it REALLY happened.  And besides, I was pregnant!  Silly comments couldn’t stop me from beaming!!!

Ups and Downs

Once we brought Casey home, we began to adjust as a family of 4.  As with Will, it was quite an adjustment!  Casey was much more fussy, but a much better sleeper, so there were parts that were much more difficult and other parts that seemed easier.  

I also was in full swing of medication from Dr. Hilgers.  My memory has blocked out some of it, I’m sure, but here is what I can remember.  I had to have estrogen shots that I gave to myself through my stomach.  That was every other day???  I also had to take thyroid medication at EXACTLY 7am and 7pm every day.  There were HCG pills I also had to take twice a day, every day.  I had to get my blood drawn weekly to make sure all of my hormone levels were where they should be.  

About 6 weeks after Casey was born, my period was late.  I called Dr. Hilgers’ nurses and they told me to have my blood drawn at a clinic to see if I was pregnant.  I went immediately and found that I was.  The nurses told me that anything above a 5 is considered pregnant, and I was at a 16.  She did however, tell me that I should have my blood drawn the next week as well to make sure my levels were rising (they should double every day).  We were so excited that we immediately told some of our family and close friends.  After years of trying, we finally conceived!!!  We laughed at the thought of having 3 kids under 3, and our youngest 2 being only 10 months apart.  Our prayers have been heard!

The next week I went to get my blood drawn again and found that my levels were still above 5, but were only at 8, when they should have been much higher at this point.  I asked the nurse what this meant and she told me that I had miscarried.   We were devastated.  Although I was only a few weeks pregnant, I had already fallen in love with this child.  I already thought of names, wondered about the gender, pictured my family of 5, and had made this child a huge part of my life.  

Telling people was also extremely hard.  They were heartbroken.  No one knew what to say either, and I found, that there is nothing anyone can say.  Every word seemed so wrong and every look people gave seemed out of pity.  I was angry when people would try to comfort me and angry when people wouldn’t talk about it.  No matter what people did, it was the wrong thing.  

To add to this horrible time, I also had to go through the actual miscarriage process.  Without going into too much detail, I will tell you that it hurt.  Physically, emotionally, spiritually, and mentally.  It seemed so unfair to go through such heartache while physically hurting as well.  

I really debated writing this section, as it is still very emotional and not something I really like to share with others.  However, it is important for people to know for a few reasons.  First, it is a message of hope.  It was so awful to go through, but we endured.  That baby is in heaven and we will someday get to meet a beautiful little angel waiting for us.  Second, for all of the people who have had a miscarriage to know that they are not alone, and yes, it is horrible.  The sorrow and despair one can feel is overwhelming, but again, gets more tolerable (not easy) over time.  And third, for all of you who are the support system for someone who has had a miscarriage...just listen.  No matter what you say or do, it will probably be the “wrong thing” but the person chose you to talk to because they love and trust you.  You can’t fix it, but you can listen.  

Our Stay in Minnesota

Casey was born at 3:15am.  When we called my parents to share the good news, they were so excited!  So excited, in fact, that my dad was already on the road driving up to meet Casey.  Our plan had been for him to come stay with us for a few days to help with Will and have my husband’s mom fly home so get back to work. My dad was so excited that he couldn’t wait until morning to leave.  Because Casey was also born via C-section, we would need to stay in the hospital for 3 additional nights.  Our days consisted of holding, feeding, and cuddling with Casey as well as talking with his birthmother and many of her friends and family.  We also got to spend the time with my mother-in-law and my father, who were both there helping out with Will.

We left the hospital and headed to Duluth to be near a good friend of ours.  It was so nice to be able to spend more time with people we knew.  It helped a lot to not feel so lonely.  We spent the next week there in a beautiful cabin adjusting to our new life of being a family of 4.  

When we were finally cleared through ICPC to come home, we eagerly got in our car and headed home.  Again, we were greeted by tons of family and friends who wanted to meet our new addition.  How blessed we are!!!

Mother's Day

What a reason to celebrate-Mother's Day!!!  I love this day, not only because my kids have to be on their best behavior or they have to deal with their Dad, but also to celebrate the relationships between mothers and their children.  Even as I changed poopy diapers and dealt with a tantrum because of chocolately fingers, I was happy because I have my children in my life.

I cried today though.  I cried because I still remember the Mother's Days where I wanted so badly to be a mother, but was not.  Those years are long gone now, but the pain still burns like it was yesterday.  Everything on Mother's Day is difficult when struggling with infertility.  The mothers get to stand up at church, while you are left sitting.  The flowers are all sold out when you try to go buy them for your own mother.  The family members and friends who don't know what to say to you.  The expectant mothers who want to share their news with the world, but wait an extra day so they don't have to tell you on Mother's Day.  And, although Mother's Day is a wonderful day to celebrate with the women who mean so much to you, it can also be a heartbreaking reminder of the cross many people carry in life.  Luckily, there are many people there to help us carry our cross.

About 6 years ago, my nephew got me a beautiful rock for Mother's Day.  I tried explaining to this 5 year old that I was not a mother, but he would not really listen.  He just looked at me and said something like, "Well, you don't have your own kids, but you are still a mom because you really like kids and help us."  I think he got it right.  There are so many people in our world who may not have the title at "Mom" but are looked at as moms.  Children see moms as people who love them with all of their hearts.  So, to all of my friends out there wanting children of their own, know that you are probably a "mom" to many people who you love, take care of, and are kind to.

Casey's Birth

The birth mother’s due date came and went as all of us were nervously waiting.  We got an update saying that if she did not go into labor within a few days that she would be induced.  The induction date was set for November 3rd, so we decided to head up there a day early to get settled into our hotel and be able to be at the hospital bright and early the next day.  

My mother-in-law made the first part of the trip with us so she could watch Will when we were in the hospital.  The agency recommends that you spend as much time as possible in the hospital.  They also suggest that other children come to visit, but not spend a ton of time there, so we are able to fully bond with the new baby.  

We arrived at the hospital at about 7am on November 3rd.  The doctor told us that they were going to first scrape her membranes to see if that would trigger labor.  After a few hours, nothing was happening so they gave her a low dose of medicine (not pitocin) that would help with labor.  Contractions began but were very slow and irregular.   After a full day of trying that, not much was happening, so the doctor decided to let her rest for the night and start pitocin the next day.  

The next morning the doctor gave her pitocin.  She began having pretty strong contractions, but nothing consistent right away.  My husband and I were given a room to stay in where we could get updates and try to relax ourselves.  Every hour or so, one of her friends would come in and let us know what was happening.  As the contractions got stronger, we began to prepare ourselves for the delivery.  The birth mother had told us on a phone conversation weeks earlier that she would like us to be in the room for the birth.  We were very excited, but unbelievably nervous too.  

At around 10pm the contractions were really strong and more consistent.  As we were told it was “go time” her friend came out of the room and asked us if we could go back to our room instead of the delivery room.  I panicked.  Once again, I was convinced that she had changed her mind.  I tried putting myself in her place and could only think of the emotional rollercoaster she was on, and after experiencing pregnancy and about to give birth, I could see how she might change her mind.  I prayed that she do what is truly best for her and the baby, and that is all I could do.  Putting this in God’s hands was the only way to make it through this situation.  

We didn’t hear from anyone for a few hours.  It was absolute torture.  Then, her friend came in and said that the baby’s vitals were starting to fall because of the extremely long labor.  The birth mother was being prepared for a C-section, and NO, she did not change her mind.  Praise the Lord!  We went to wait outside the surgery room, as no one other than the birth mother and doctors were allowed in.  The doctor did, however, ask for a camera and said she would take a lot of pictures for us.  

A few minutes later, we heard a baby cry (an extremely loud cry!).  The nurses brought him out and announced that the baby was totally healthy!  We were so excited, but had no clue if we had another son or a daughter.  The nurse turned again, smiled, and said, “it’s a boy!”

We went to the area where they cleaned him up, weighed and measured him, and we saw our son for the first time.  We still hadn’t settled on a name, but once I saw that he had a ton of blonde hair, I knew we would name him Casey.  (For some reason, I had it in my head that ‘Casey’s’ only had blonde hair).